This past week has been absolutely dreadful. Full of screaming kids, fights, threats, anger, doubt, depression, hopeless feelings, a printer that I almost busted into a million pieces after fighting with it for two days, a few giggles and laughs, and more tears than I can count. I don't know what chain of events has led to this horrible state but I'm to the point where I'm wishing health insurance was available at the moment just so I could go get something...anything to take the mental pain and edge off. I'm more tired and cranky than ever. I'm finding it hard to smile and fake my irritation with people who are overly aggressive with their thoughts or actions and instead of just letting it go, I'm firing back with my honest opinion. If you know me at all, you know I USUALLY just agree to disagree and find it petty to argue with someone over something silly or stupid but I'm finding my voice a little stronger and more apt to just tell it like it is. This could end badly and could hurt some feelings but here's where I get honest in this blog: isn't it about time I quit trying to please everyone else and work on myself instead? I get so busy and wrapped up trying to help everyone else that I neglect myself. I do this literally all the time. Yet, when I do stand up and finally say I need someone to listen to me, I get called selfish. Hmmm...doesn't seem quite accurate does it? I got to the point where the person I chose to spill everything to was my mother yesterday. I laughed a little, cried a little, and even raised my voice at one point all while the sighed gently periodically and pretty much kept quiet just listening to me rant. If you know my mom, you know she's not the most understanding of people and it set in her ways and beliefs therefore she's not the easiest person to talk to about hard confusing issues but I found her to be overly quiet this time. I don't know if it's because she didn't know what to say, was afraid to say anything, or knew I just needed to get it all out. I got one response from her at the end of the conversation: "I can't say I understand because I've never gone through any of this but, I don't know how you're dealing with it. I don't know how you're surviving with this much on your plate." and all I could say was, "I don't know either." Between money problems, job problems (or lack there of), children, household chores that seem to multiply like rabbits when I turn my cheek, taking care of 3 dogs, two cats (and now two more b/c I took back Meghan and a kitten who's pretty much blind b/c I couldn't think of them going to the pound...hell, I'm running an animal shelter pretty much), cars turning to crap, ex family issues, Liza's first birthday coming up, Christmas, Matt's B-day, many health issues, and other deeply personal issues I can't discuss (literally) it's a wonder I get up in the morning. I'm guessing God must really need me if I'm still here at this point in my life. The interesting thing is, I've dealt with most of this all before. I've dealt with daily issues, family issues, marriage issues, child issues, money issues. I've been through "worse" than this in my past. I've witnessed death, I've been depressed since I was 14, I've lost friends, I've been used, I've seen ghosts, I've seen "spirits", I've seen demons, I've seen angels, I've even seen demons disguising themselves as humans, I've even seen and talked with my own personal guardian angel (think I'm kidding?), I've been neglected, I've been back handed, I've done drugs, I've been to jail (bet a lot of you didn't know that), I've been pregnant while living alone in an upstairs apartment on my own, I've been laughed at, I've been bullied and teased, I've been raped once to twice a week for approximately 8 months (I quit counting after the third month), I've been brain washed, I've been scared, and I've cried millions of times. (I know...that's a lot to take in for those of you who had no idea most of that happened) So why does it affect me so much now? Why did my knees literally collapse the other night in the middle of me weeping alone in my room while keeping my hands over my mouth to try to stifle the cries? I've never in my life collapsed to the floor while crying. I've never had my chest hurt as if someone was ripping out my lungs because I couldn't breathe from the tears falling faster than I could take. I've never had a problem looking in the mirror and sucking it up. I was taught to wipe them away, fix my hair and makeup, and walk out of that room like I simply had to hang up some clothes but this night, I couldn't. Every time I looked in the mirror to try to suck it up, another memory would flood my vision and it would start all over again. I wanted to scream - needed to scream but all I could produce for fear of being heard was a long silent scream. Pain and agony shot completely through my body. It was uncontrollable. So why? Why now after everything I've survived and been through am I finding it hard to cope with what's being handed to me? I figured it out today...because for once in my entire life, my heart...my WHOLE heart is involved. I've always been distant. I've always stayed a few paces away so I could run when I needed to. I've lied and said I cared and loved but I didn't, I only half'd it. But not now. It's all or nothing at this point. I don't know why at this point in my life every agony from my past is showing its ugly head and giving me no choice but to deal with it but I do know that's just it...I have no choice. I also know that other's don't understand. Heck, at this point I don't expect them to. But I do know that when God called me to write this book I giggled and said reluctantly okay but now I see that after years and years of hiding myself, hiding my pain, hiding my life, and only getting as close to people as much as they needed me to be that now I'm ready. I'm ready to break down the walls I painstakingly put up brick by brick. I'm ready to tell the truth about what's happened. I'm ready for people to understand ME and why I act the way I do. But more so, I'm ready to tell this story to the person who's just like me and to be able to say to them, you can get through it too. Because I know that MOST people will not go through every thing I've gone through much less at the same time but I know MOST people will go through at least one of those things and that's the people who need this. So I'm "saying" it out loud. This book is NOT for me. This book is NOT for fame. This book is NOT for me to get rich (even though that would be quite lovely lol). I don't care if I don't make a dime from it...it NEEDS to be told. After all, we all know, when God says jump...my dears you need to jump! Don't laugh and walk away like I did in the past or you may just find yourself writing a blog much similar to this one day in your future. As for me and my present life...I don't know how I'm going to fix it or what's going to happen tomorrow but I do know I will still get up and do my chores, take care of my kids, feed and clean up after all 7 of my annoying pets, pay bills that I don't have money to pay for, cook, clean, and smile at least once...even though it may hurt to because just as teens and adults need this book...my kids need me and I will NOT let them down.

Grow Tough Roots Among The Rocks

“For a tree to become tall it must grow tough roots among the rocks.” -Friedrich Nietzsche

**Update: I know the music player is new. Don't shut it off. It serves a purpose for this blog I promise.



I've had several people say to me lately, "I'm so mad at God!" or "God doesn't care about me." and I have to admit, last night I found myself losing a little hope in the world around me, but the ride home today got me really thinking about it all. It's so easy for us to blame God or to get frustrated/mad/disappointed/etc. in Him but he made us...that in itself should be enough for us to rejoice and celebrate in yet, as humans, we tend to only turn to him when we need something. We drop to our knees in a heartbeat when everything falls apart relying on the fact that he is the only one who can change things. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you should never call upon him but frankly, I'm seeing too much of this during these horrible times and not enough of "thank you".

I, myself, have fallen to the fates of the world and haven't had "time" to read the bible or worship him in the way I should. Truth of the matter is, I'm running out of steam all together. It seems that every turn I take, something is trailing behind me and worse, catching up. I think I've cried more and harder than I have in years over the past few days/nights. I'm noticing that I'm falling back into my pattern of sucking it all in and hiding from everyone. I want to talk to someone, but find it much easier to just separate myself from others and wait until my feelings of hurt and doubt pass. On another hand, I wouldn't know where to begin if someone sat down and said, "talk". I'd probably just laugh instead. I've had a few step forward recently and ask if there was anything I wanted to talk about and I just shut down as soon as they said something. Truth? I wanted to scream, cry, shake, and ask question after question and even though all of this was happening in my head at the same time...I found myself only shrugging and saying I didn't have anything to talk about.

This is a defense mechanism that I picked up long ago. I've found that the things that go on around me and much more in my head (thoughts), no one seems to believe, doesn't want to hear, or decides to instead criticize for thinking the way I do. If I were to actually ever get up the courage or be able to put into words what all is actually going on with me and in me, I'd probably make the other person either break into tears or run away screaming.

I can honestly say that I've tried to talk to a few recently about certain things that are going on that I'd rather not make public but I've either gotten no response or a head nod. I'm going to tell you all a little secret...when someone decides to open their mouth to say something to you, even if it's bad...it's not a good idea to start talking about yourself or to ignore them. Just sayin'...

But all of this is besides the point. My point is, even though I feel like I'm crawling on the floor and something is stepping on my back to keep me from getting up, I'm still HOPEFUL. Read that again (don't worry, I'll wait).

I don't know myself how anything is going to get fixed or where I'm going to go from here but I know I'll go somewhere! And so will you. Go ahead, call on God but just know that he doesn't HAVE to do anything. I may never understand or know why he picks and chooses like he does but I have to hold on to hope that there IS a reason all of this is happening. And when there's no one else to listen to you, write me. I may not have any answers that you want to hear. Heck, I may not have ANYTHING to say back to you, and that might just be what you need. But I can promise to be there with you/for you/behind you. I may not understand what you're going through, but how will you know until you try?

And yes, I'm listening every time someone tells me that I can come to them if I need to, and one day I might. But when I do, don't laugh at me. Don't tell me it's stupid or that I'm lying. Don't push me away and ignore me when I talk but frankly...at the point I'm currently at, I'd rather not say a single word and deal with it on my own than to be ignored, shunned, or put down by any means. The past few nights, I've waited until the children were asleep and just sat outside by myself because I needed to. I needed to sit in silence with no T.V., no phone, no distractions and just calm down. I'm trying desperately not to show it but rage is building so heavily that sometimes all I can do is cry (and if you know me at all, you'll know that I HATE to cry in front of people).

So enough of me...back to YOU. I know for a FACT that several people I'm close to (and not close to) are going through some of the worst times of their lives. It all seems to coincide with one another (probably for a reason) and you are getting overwhelmed. I understand this more than you know. You're feeling as if you can't breath, can't swallow. You feel like your legs are going to give out at any minute (and they probably have already at some point recently). You're tired of crying behind closed doors, and you're tired of smiling to others doing your best to make them think you're happy. Here's a hard break of reality for you: THEY KNOW. They know it's fake. They know your smile isn't real. They know you are breaking down from the pressure. They know much more than you're giving them credit for. Instead of lying to them and making that other person feel worse than they already do, just say "No, I'm not okay but I WILL be!" The more you tell this to others, the more you will start to believe it. Now, say a prayer (doesn't have to be out loud). If you don't know how to pray or where to start just say this-- "Lord, I have NO idea what I'm doing. I'm falling faster every day and feel like I can't get back up. I NEED you. But more so, I LOVE you and THANK YOU for everything you've done for me and given to me. Because without YOU I wouldn't have ANY of the things I have today."

Cry if you have to. Scream if you have to. Punch a dog if you have to (kidding on that one...made you smile a little though right?) Do whatever it takes to stand back up, even if for just a little while. And just know that while you're struggling to find a way through the thick vines...so am I. You're never alone, even if you think you are. I can't quote scripture to you, heck, I don't know a single verse by heart but I can tell you that there is a REASON for all of this. What that is...I have no idea but we'll find it out eventually. Until then...grow your roots.

God bless

It's Been A While

My mind has been elsewhere other than blogging. Truth is, life kinda fell apart recently. Everything that I had grown to love and hold dear quickly started to slip away. Not only family and friends but also dreams and aspirations. I feel at times like I'm cornered with all of the things on my to do list. I feel like I have taken on a little too much. Not only the daily care of the family and pets, but also school (which is quickly becoming non-existent) and also a video project I promised. It's not that I don't want to do it, it's that I'm finding it hard to get the time. Not to mention that my original plan for the video itself fell through. What makes it more taxing is that it's about child sexual abuse. Just having to go over the statistics I have printed up is enough to make you want to weep. Daily innocent children go through this. It's not only these simple factors that are turning my life upside down but also the "strange happenings" in the house picking up, the fact that I can't stop my mind from twirling and dancing around any and every thought, my book has once again fallen through as yet again, no time to accomplish such a huge task, and the feeling like every time I speak from my heart there is no one to listen to it.

I was told, "you want to change the world, and that just won't happen". But why not? What's wrong with wanting the world to be a better place and wanting people to love unconditionally and faithfully? Is it so bad to want the murder's, rapes, and self harm to stop? If you do a Google search for pain you literally will never see the end of it. It goes on and on and on. People from all over the world use the internet to stretch out and open their deepest worries in hopes that they might find someone going through the same thing or better yet, someone to give THEM hope. When we cry and feel deserted, that's what we go searching for...hope. Yet, so little of us find it. So what is wrong with wanting to be that person reaching back out to those who so desperately need it? If I didn't have children, I'd devote most of my time to helping any and everyone I can.

But here's the other delima: half of the time when I try to help, I end up getting used and abused by the one I'm "helping". They take advantage of me and everything I have offered to them instead of just being grateful. Other times, they never needed help to begin with and had horrible alterior motives (is that even how you say that?!). I've had women use my generosity and "niceness" to get money, get a ride, get a scapegoat, get to my man, etc... I'm noticing this comes more-so from women than men. I literally have a handful of girl friends who I trust. A few months ago, I was ready and willing to find and make new friends. Now, I'm perfectly happy with who is currently in my life and want it to stay that way.

I'm losing my will to help and my will to show hope still does exist. I honestly feel like I'm losing everything. I read in my book today (appropriate for Easter) that you have to fully accept God into your heart and love HIM unconditionally to love someone else. For he gave his only begotten son (you know the rest). This should be a very important lesson for all of us because I see soooo many who desperately want to find love, yet can't love the one who gave them life.

Amongst all of this pain that I've recently experienced, I'm still somehow holding on to hope. I HOPE everything will work out. I HOPE my crazy life will soon slow down a little and settle. I HOPE all of my nightmares won't come true. I HOPE I can accomplish everything I've promised to others and myself. But more so, I HOPE happiness will soon find me AND those closest to me. I've wept too much recently and ready for it to be over with.

I pray strongly right now for my friends and family, that they may find exactly what they've been praying for. Whether it be money, fidelity, honesty, good health, safe returns, new relationships, sanity, or simply to be able to wake up tomorrow smiling...I hope you all receive what is deep in your heart. Even the things you tell no one that you secretly need...God knows. And to me, that's all that matters. Just like you, God knows exactly what I need right now and I have full faith that very soon I will see the benefits of everything. I have a lot of love in my heart to give, so therefore: when you see me type "I love you all", don't think for one minute that I don't mean it. I don't have to have MET you to love you.

Goodnight all and God bless.

The laws of the late night bar

So what's with my recent status? There's a lot involved when I quote my dad's words and I was one to prove why his words were so true during my late teen/early 20 years but the story I will tell here is a recent prime example of why I believe everyone should abide by that simple rule.

This weekend we went to Baja's like we do from time to time to hear live bands and get a few drinks. This time a friend of ours came out with us. Him and his wife just found out they are pregnant after a long battle with miscarriages and I could not be happier for the both of them. His wife said she was simply too tired to go out (understandable) but said he could. She just said that he couldn't stay out until 3 am (also understandable). So he meets us there, we grab some drinks and head to the pool tables. Now, I don't shoot pool. I'm not good at it, don't fully understand it, and realllllly don't feel like showing everyone around me how bad I truly am at it so instead I choose to sit and watch whoever is playing. I really enjoy that down time of not worrying who's looking at me and if I need to suck in my stomach or check my hair, yada yada. So the festivities start. After a while of playing each other, someone else comes up and puts money on the table (just found out that means they want to play next). So Matt and our friend finish up their game and the next couple comes up. This story can get really long unless I skip ahead a bit so...

After a few hours a man and two interestingly dressed girls (I say this b/c it looked like they were freshly 21) come to the table ready to play the guys. But instead they wanted it to be 3 on 3. I announced that I don't play pool (nicely I might add) and the dark headed girl shouts out rudely, "What the fuck?" or something along those lines and I just got up and walked my happy butt to the bar to get a refil instead of dealing with some hot headed girl who was mad b/c I wouldn't play pool with them. While up there, someone knocks into my shoulder. K...it happens all the time, especially at a bar so as I turn around I (as nicely as I can) say, "Oh! I'm sorry!" even though they knocked into me and who do I see, the dark headed pissed off girl. She looks right at me with an "eat shit and die look" and says, "psh, yeah." and trots behind the bar. Mr. Bar Tender didn't like that much and shooed her out but of course she got pissed at that as well and knocked into me once again, this time I literally watched her throw her shoulder into mine. Deep breath...let it go. I had to laugh a little b/c the whole thing was so juvineille. During these few minutes that I was at the bar, I was hit on by two men, one as soon as he saw my ring told me to have a nice night and joined his friends, the other kept talking so instead of me wasting my time I simply walked away from the loser.

So back to the pool tables I go and see the dark headed girl and her blonde friend giving me the stink eye (whatever) and generally being all over each other. I'm guessing they thought it was hot and that the guys I was with wouldn't give a rats butt tail about me and want to be with them. Tip girls: just b/c you act like a slut...that doesn't mean guys will flock to you. Hell the guy you were WITH wasn't paying a bit of attention to you. Once they noticed no one was ready to head to the bathroom to get their next disease from them (k...don't know they had a disease...just saying) they trotted off to the dance floor and left the guy to finish up the game. The rest of the night, I got a few more across the room death stares which I didn't respond to at all besides smiling a little.

Then in walks BARBIE!!!! Yeah, no lie. The woman literally looked like she dedicated her life (and her husbands wallet) to become a life size Barbie doll. I must admit, she was very pretty (could use a little more work on her overly puffy crooked lips if she REALLY wanted to be Barbie) but watching her attitude ruined every fantasy I had of the child's toy. With her was her husband, we later found out was a dentist (oh btw...she was probably in her late 20's...he had to have been in his 50's) and their friends, a dark headed girl (20 something) with her nose turned in the air and her boyfriend, also 50's who was a lawyer. There wasn't any issue for quite a while until they stole the guys table. No waiting there, they just took it. Wow Barbie, I know you don't have a brain in that plastic head of yours but you could use your eyes to see what's going on. Oh, but I forgot...they were ABOVE us common folk ;-) and they proved that they felt that way.

Skipping ahead again, dark headed barbie friend w/ the lawyer old foggie boyfriend decides to play a game of pool with our friend since Matt when to the bar to refill. From my point of view at first, it looked like they were hitting on each other, heads close together, our friend laughing, her strutting when she walked past him and bending way too far over. I also thought this was the reason why her boyfriend looked so pissed. Welllllll, come to find out....yes, she was flirting...but our friend....dogging the shit out of her and her boyfriend. She missed a shot at one point and he even said to the b/f, "I think you need to fire your intern", looked at her, looked at me and started busting out laughing. So, there's the first point...has to look right or people get the wrong idea.

I go to the bar to check on Matt, I see a girl tugging on his arm (not his shirt, literally fingers wrapped around his bicep). Ummm....no? I know how girls are...especially at a bar (and any female will back me up on this one) so I, without wanting to start shit with her or get in her face just simply grab his arm myself and slide right in between the two of them with my back turned to her. Pretty much to say, get the point, he's taken. So after a while, Barbie and her groupies decide they've had enough of our friends taunts and they go back to the other table but before they go...Barbie swips our quarters right off of our table. Nice huh? Not like your husband doesn't have enough money already. I wanted to say something, the friend didn't really care.

Skipping ahead a little more: drinks spilled on my phone (my pride and joy). I had to take the battery out so I could clean it all. My stupid behind forgets to actually turn the phone back on (wouldn't have mattered anyways, the battery was dangerously low to begin with). I see our friend check his phone a few times, hit a button and put it back in his pocket. Don't think anything of it or what time it was for that matter. All of a sudden, the lights come on and last call is announced. Time flies huh? Matt goes to close out our tab, our friend darts off and I'm sitting in the corner all alone (poor me haha j/k). Barbie and her friends take this opportunity to start making jokes and laughing. I guess they really were scared b/c they waited until the guys were away from me. Be scared chicks....be scared. ;-) I'd had enough of it and knew it was time to leave anyways so I walk up front to see the first blond girl (the one making out with the angry brunette) and my husband talking. Matt was leaning over to her, talking in her ear and she was laughing away. Hell no that didn't look right. Our friend, who was looking the other way saw me, turned to see what I was looking at and leaned to me and said, "What the fuck??" I shrugged my shoulders and was getting pissed off b/c I knew exactly why she was talking to him (payback's a bitch huh?). Come to find out, she hit on both of them and Matt was telling her that he was married...which is why she laughed. Should have smacked-a-ho right there. Next time dear...next time.

So again...didn't look right. Wellllllllll, we get to the car and our friends phone rings. He freaks out b/c it's his wife and it is now after 3 am - close to 4. I told him I would take the blame b/c I was supposed to be watching the time and had just realized that my phone was still off. Matt says he'll take the blame too. He says she's on her way up there b/c she doesn't believe he's where he says he is. I felt really bad for him b/c I watched him all night push every girl away and he even said, "Why would I want her when I have a wife and new baby on the way at home?" Nice point. Loved hearing there is some fidelity left in the world.

She arrives, Matt tries to talk to her, I hear her yelling at her husband, he leans down and says, "Sarah please...please go talk to her." (almost in tears). Okey doke....problem...couldn't get the damn car door open!!! No...it wasn't b/c I was drunk, there's no door handle and you have to open it a certain way which wasn't working while I was trying to hurry and get out. FINALLY, I get it open, step out and walk up to her car just to simply tell her that I was the one keeping track of time and what happened. I was even going to tell her she could be mad at me b/c I reallllllly felt bad for him! I knew it was about to ruin any friendship I'd been trying to develop with her. She sped off so fast that literally, she came within a foot of running my own foot over! Thatttttt pissed me off! Just because you're mad at your husband, don't take it out on me!

We follow him home just to make sure he gets there okay, Matt tries to talk to the wife again (didn't think that was a good idea). All he got was a, "get the fuck out." so oh well, we tried right??

Come to find out...she called him over four times and he wouldn't answer. I literally witnessed it and didn't even realize that's why he was pulling his phone out, hitting silent, and putting it back up. Also found out that this happens a lot. So, do I feel bad now? Nope. Good thing I didn't take the blame.

So even though he honestly didn't do anything "bad" besides stay out too late....it sure as hell didn't look right to his wife, and in her mind, that's all that matters right now. So I say again, it not only has to be right, it has to look right. Walk away from the flirters, stay true to your gut, and remember that someone is ALWAYS watching you. This is how rumors start. So ladies and gentlemen...abide by the laws of the bar when you go out, or you just might be the one in the dog house next time!

Dreams

I was asked last night to write another blog because she loves to read them. I was blown back by that comment and utterly surprised that anyone pays enough attention to me to actually not only read something I post but look forward to it. I thought about it all night, trying to figure out what to write about. There are TONS of things I could find to discuss and put my two cents in but nothing really jumped out enough to be something I'd want to take the time to sit and put into words but then it hit me. As I drove my husband to work this morning I started to think about him and how he's pursuing a dream that he's had for a very long time. He has an audition with a band tomorrow (which I'm thrilled to be able to take part in and watch) and as much stress as this will put on our family I'm fully supporting him on this. I've never been one to squash dreams so why should I start now? Sure, that will mean more alone time, more responsibility put on me to take care of the children alone, and more trust when he does a show without me being there. I've been around the block a few times when it comes to rock bands and I know how groupie's work and who they mainly go after...the frontman. Most women/girls don't go to rock shows for the reasons I go. They don't actually care about the music and only care about the alcohol and "cute boys" that they can play with. Hell, if the lead singer of a band wants to hang out with you, that must mean you've got it goin' on right? Hmm...wrong. I go for the sheer delight in the music. The rumble in my chest. The flashing lights. The sweat rolling off of each individual on stage working their hardest to give the show of their lives. I love watching the drumsticks flash in front of your face like they are pieces of spaghetti, the bassist and guitarists fingers working up and down the frets like it's no work at all and the singer belting out notes that give you goosebumps. But I realize that I'm one of the few who are that interested in what they are doing.

In the middle of all of this thinking about how fantastic it is that he is pursuing this endeavor, I quickly realized that all of my dreams and aspirations have fizzled. Let's see if I can remember the list of things I wanted to be/do:
- A veterinarian (got halfway with that one by becoming a vet technician but am not technically one now)
- A trapeze artist
- A barrel racer (has to do with horses and rodeo's)
- An ice skater
- A gymnast
- A ballerina
- A tiger trainer (never even gotten close to one of these beautiful animals) :(
- An artist
- A songwriter (ok...so I've technically written a few songs but they are stuck up in a folder somewhere doing absolutely nothing so that doesn't really count)
- An interior designer
- and the biggest one of all: A lead singer in a band


I have done nothing. I don't have anything to show for my lifetime of hardships, downfalls, and failures. I don't have any awards. I don't have any trophies or ribbons. I don't have any pictures of fantastic events. I don't have crowds shouting my name or even more than a handful of people who even really know me or know of me. I don't even have any visible scars to go along with my stories. The only thing I have to show for any pain I've gone through is my two beautiful children. My live revolves around my family and that's that. But I can not claim that as some fantastic feat that no one else can do. Millions of women have babies and thousands have rough pregnancies just like I did. There's nothing special in that. The only thing I have to succeed in is my novel and I don't even claim that as my dream. That's God's vision, his project, his work, and his outcome. I'm just the tool being used to create it. I still have no idea why I'm being used for something that is supposed to be as huge and great as this but I gladly take it. Even so, I haven't worked on it since I got pregnant with Liza. I find excuse after excuse not to work on it. All of the ideas are there and the story is already set into place...it's just typing it all out and finding the time to complete it.

So as far as dreams, I haven't completed a single one. If an angel came to me and said, "God is granting you one dream that you will be able to succeed in...pick one." I wouldn't be able to. I'm not good at any of those things and even though I'm not the WORST singer in the world, the stage fright in itself is paralyzing and would hinder any ability that I have. So, I choose instead to sit on the sideline and play the mommy role while I watch others around me follow their dreams and push through the pain. So, the next time you come up with a new dream or aspiration that you'd like to achieve, think of those who are standing behind or beside you, pushing you along, and rooting you on. Those are the one's who will still be there if you fail at your task. They won't really care if you "make it" or not. They were just happy to be along for the ride.

As for me, that's exactly how I feel. I love watching Josh Rowe go onstage and sing his heart out, I love watching Jessa Motte line her camera settings just right to get that one good photograph that will stop you in your tracks, I love watching (and tasting!) Anna Godley's fantastic food creations and attending her parties that she puts so much love and effort into, and I love watching my husband sit and ponder the next big feat he will take on. If it's singing then I'll cheer him on. If it's his pirate theme park (only a few people will understand this one) then, I'll help come up with plans. If it's the bar, then I'll help set up flyers and website's. Bottom line, I will follow and do what I can to help others succeed, probably because I know I will never go after any dreams of my own. But with that being said...that doesn't mean I don't have them and don't think about them every day.

I promise to encourage my kids to follow their dreams and their hearts. "Don't be like me," is something they will hear a good bit and learn to hate :) But at least I know somewhere down the line they will be happy that they didn't turn out like mom did and have a fulfilling life and smile in the delight that their mother was along for the entire journey. And that...is my biggest dream...just to be able to smile and say that I was along for the ride that other's went on. Just to know that I was loved enough to be included in what they were doing is enough for me.

To everyone out there right now doing what they love and striving for what they dream...I applaud you and if you need anything, you know who you can turn to for support.

Love you all

Relaxation is KEY

See this girl?

Yep, that's me. Or I suppose I should say, was. A woman feeling much like a child, at the end of her marriage, hiding behind fake laughs and bright hair just hoping no one would see the true pain in her eyes. It was a horrible time filled with many questions and doubts. But something amazing happened...I began to climb the ladder back up. The pain staking process of trying to start back over and somehow find happiness in a world that was falling apart was anything but easy but somehow, with the grace of God, I managed to make it where I am today.

For the first time in two months, I am able to sit back and enjoy the night without having to worry about what time the baby is going to wake me up for her nightly feedings. I don't have to keep the music down to a certain level (or the T.V. for that matter), and I'm able to just...breathe. I LOVE my daughter but as any mother knows, breaks are greatly appreciated. So to be able to finally relax; Let's just say it feels amazing. But it is giving me time to think back on how it was after Alex was born. It was one of the most stressful times in my life but still one of the most joyous and I thank God everyday for everything I've ever gone through. Still to see that picture of me with the bright red hair hurts. I realize there is still so much that I simply have tried to push to the side and haven't brought up or completely gotten over what happened. And that my friends is a problem. In due time, everything that went on during my marriage will be resolved but it will never be forgotten. It's important to look back and see what you've gone through in order to grow and mature. And I do believe, weekends like this where you get to spend time with family and friends and RELAX is just the thing everyone needs to get past whatever it is that they are facing.

So I'm DEMANDING that you take it easy this weekend :) Just tell 'em I said so!

Love you all

"I'd rather see them..."

I wondered a month or so ago where they went, why I couldn't see them, and if I was finally free of the torment I had experienced since nine but then that idea came to a crashing halt two days ago. The first time the darkish figure was seen was almost non-existent. It darted past the kitchen doorway as I turned around to put up the mayonnaise. I quickly put the thought out of my head and continued with making lunch. The next time, it flashed down the hallway and towards my bedroom. In one day it was spotted over fifteen times and each time it would quickly go out of view once it was noticed or peeked around the corner at me. There's another who doesn't seem to mind being noticed as much and as I type this I can see it's face periodically in between the two doors dividing the front room from the living room which are, at this moment, partly opened. And yet, another is in the kitchen. But the worst of all was two nights ago when I was laying down in the bed about to fall asleep.

I had just laid down in the bed while Matthew was up taking care of Liza. I snuggled up under the covers and shifted the comforter until it covered my head. Even with the warmth coming from my body, the chill in the room was massive and a shiver forced the bumps on my skin to raise. The floor near the door creaked and it moved very slowly to the side of the bed that Matt usually lays on. Sugar and Spice, my two ragdoll cats had jumped off of the bed about five minutes before so I assumed it was them walking around or perhaps Matt getting ready for bed. I ignored the sound and tried my best to drift off to sleep but once I heard breathing coming from some source directly in front of me sleep quickly darted away from me. I waited for what seemed like an eternity for Matt to climb into bed considering the footsteps and breathing could only be explained as him but once several minutes passed and he never did climb in, curiosity got the best of me. Thinking that for some reason he might be standing beside the bed watching the T.V. I pulled the covers off of my head to find absolutely nothing. No Matt, no kitties, not a soul was there and immediately the breathing sound stopped. I must admit...that one took me back.

Now you would think that after witnessing things like this on a weekly basis since the age of nine that I would be used to it and therefore not scared but I still to this day get a little shaken up when something like that happens. A loud voice out of the blue, a touch on my body (or worse...a slap and even a cut), and coming face to face with one right as you open the bathroom door to step out all chill me to the core but then I have to remember why they are here.

For those of you who know me already, then you know what they are...but for those of you who don't then let me clear this up. Demons. There is no way to sugar coat that or make some fantastic analogy about what they are. It's very plain and simple. They can disguise themselves very well and have done so for years but at this point, the disguises don't seem to work on me and therefore they don't seem to try that tactic much.

After much contemplation on why they are suddenly back around I've come to a harsh realization. When I'm "right with God" and on the right path, the one that God wants me to be on...they are visible, yet when I'm off track and doing everything but what I'm supposed to be doing, they seem to just fade away. So why do the demons do this back and forth act? Well, let me ask you this...why would they bother with destroying your life if they already have you in their grasp?

When you are on God's side, demons want you on theirs so they will do anything to tear you apart and make you lose hope. Remember that word, "hope" because it is the first thing to go when someone's life doesn't turn out like they want or when something goes wrong. Once hope is lost, everything else falls shortly after yet for some reason, hope is one of the last things we get back even though it should be the first. I've watched helplessly as so many people around me are losing everything, including their minds. They are slowly sliding down this slope that is leading them to disaster and even though they are trying their best, it just doesn't seem to be enough. Devoted church-goers that truly believe are still feeling like something is terribly wrong in their lives. And as much as I would love to be able to say it's all one specific thing...each person has a different demon clutching on to their shoulder and whispering uncertainties into their ears (see the relation between all of this now?).

Just because you are not "blessed" to be able to see them like I can and like so many others can, that does NOT mean that they are not there! I've actually heard from some people that they wish they could see them like I can but I always look at them like they are crazy. Even though I would not change a thing in my life, I do admit that this feels like a heavy burden after a while and sometimes it's better not to see what they look like or to know they are there breathing down your neck and just waiting for you to make that one little mistake.

But I say once again...these demons work much harder when you are doing something RIGHT. Did you read that?? WHEN YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT. Of COURSE your LIFE will be easier if you stay on the devil's side of the track. Why do you think so many "bad" people get off easy when they do something wrong or worse, never get caught? The devil already has them...he has no desire to work to get them at that point. It's the good ones he wants. He NEEDS them on his side and does everything he can to make them believe that God is not real or worse...does not care. Not true my friends. Satan takes on many faces, forms, and lies right to your face.

So how do you stay away from all of these lies? Pray. It's very simple. Stay away from temptation (not saying that anyone is perfect and yes, God COMPLETELY knows and understands that). But we MUST try our best every day to be the best person that we can be not only to ourselves but to others. Selfless acts of kindness.

Back to the matter at hand. I welcome them "haunting" me and doing their best to devour me because at that moment I know that I'm doing something right. So I say to you, the next time you are scared and feeling like something is staring you right in the face or following you, ready to dart out and scare the living heckles out of you...just smile and know that you are on the right path.

And please never never forget...even though you may not be able to see/hear/feel demons like me, that does NOT mean they are not there. Just pray and smile. Keep that hope alive in your life and don't hesitate to talk to those around you about what's going on. You just might be surprised at who turns out to have your back when everything falls apart.

I love you all, and God bless.

New Year's Change

Every time I attempt to start writing this particular blog, a few sentences into it I hit a block and can't seem to write anymore. Is it because my mind wanders somewhere else or it could be that it is not the message I need to broadcast today? So many issues ran through my head that I wanted to write about that have happened to me personally (drugs, jail, rape, attempted suicide, cheating, abusive relationships, failed marriage, children, sex, porn, and demons just to name a few) but as I look at that long incomplete list I see nothing good in those words. If I see nothing good then how would anyone reading this? Does it matter that I learned something really important from having to go through each of those instances? After my six year old son very rudely made a comment in front of my best friend the other day pretty much saying he didn't care that I busted my butt to clean the house, I watched as he quietly carried out his punishment of sweeping the front porch. After he thought he was finished and that he had done a good job, I had him sit down and watch as I showed him the "right" way to sweep and he saw how much he missed. I proceeded to explain that when we don't think about what we are doing or what we are saying at the time could really effect someone even if you apologize.

I stopped sweeping, glanced over my shoulder at my son swinging his legs back and forth dangling from the chair and intently watching what I was doing. I sighed, leaned back against the railing, and said, "If someone slapped you in the face and then turned around and said they were sorry...would it still hurt?"

His reply was a very loud, "Yeah!"

"Why would it still hurt?" I asked.

"Because they slapped me!"

I had to giggle a little before I explained, "Just because you say you are sorry after you do something bad or say something mean doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt that other person."

My eyebrow raised as I watched his expression to see if he was really listening to what I was saying.

"Oh! I get it!" he announced.

We continued the speech and I gave a few more examples and ultimately brought up how life used to be when his father and I were still together. For the first time we talked about what exactly happened (even though a few really disturbing details were left out mainly because I didn't feel a six year old could handle hearing it) and we started to heal from the process.

It seemed that when we talked about it, it made it easier for me to deal with. For me, personally, I'd rather just forget it ever happened and not tell a soul what really went on behind closed doors (and that's for any situation...not just my failed marriage). I'm seeing now that it is not always the best way to handle things. Even though I'm not ready to shout out to the world through a megaphone what all I have experienced, been through, and seen I do know that these baby steps are doing a world of good not only for me, but for others who just might be going through what I went through right now. God allowed these things to happen to me so I could not only be a stronger individual but also so I could help others realize they are not alone in their journey much like I thought I was.

I used to go with the motto of if you were forgiven for what you had done that you could forget about it and move on but I'm finding that is not true for the project I am working on right now (I'd rather remain silent about that one). In due time everything will be revealed and people will know the truth. Whether they choose to believe it or not is up to them.

God wants us to plant the seed of truth among our friends and family but it is NOT up to us to make the seed grow. Only He can do that. So once again I say to you: If I told you it was all true, would you believe me?

Your faith can continue to grow every day and you can learn new things and ways of handling tough situations but ONLY if you LET IT! What good is continuing to stick your hand in the tiger's cage if you never learn that it's painful and to quit doing it?

As for me, my cuts from my past and a present issues are deep and they are slowly healing but as with any gash, it will not be done over night. I've seen who will stick around during those times and who won't and the biggest lesson of the day for me was to stop getting angry at those individuals who are OBVIOUSLY lost in this world and instead, pray for them. Even though the sight of someone can make your stomach churn because you can tell exactly who that person is by glancing in their eyes you need to bless them. Only then can both of your lives begin to change and grow. Only then can God help you both and hey, you never know, you maybe just be lucky enough to see their transformation. Don't cut yourself short.

Don't confuse blessing someone and being nice to them with putting yourself in harm's way. If you know a plane is going to crash and burn...why would you willingly put yourself on that plane? Same for people. If you KNOW something they are doing is wrong, immoral, or not something that looks right...why would you associate yourself with them? In that instance, anything that happens to you is just as much your fault as it is theirs.

Be wise in this world...not blind and dumb.

I love you all and please in this upcoming year...be careful. More and more is going to try to come at you and knock you off your feet. DON'T LET IT. Stand strong and in the Lord and nothing can touch you. God bless you all. Love you.

-Sarah

2010 Fair Happenings and Disappointments

So here we are, 34 weeks pregnant and nearing the end of the tunnel! Since the cooler air (well...80's seems to be as cool as we're getting here) is coming into play it's the perfect time to visit the fair. Matt and I went (just the two of us) the other day and have a fun filled day of seeing all the sites, oogling the livestock, watching a frisbee-catching dog show, and even getting to hold a snake (never thought I would actually have the opportunity to do that!)

It was all fun except for the clown that Matt decided he wanted to stop and look at. I don't think he actually realized just how terrified of clowns I was until he looked back and I was taking baby steps towards him. I honestly felt like crying as I was walking towards the barrier between the clown and I so I could get a look at him. Once I saw him I was pleased that he wasn't one of these flashy make-up, fake hair clowns but he looked more like the 'ol-timey bum's and I was still able to see his face through his make-up. I admit, it was neat seeing him pretend he was a robotic clown and he was very good but for some reason I couldn't get over that paralyzing fear of being that close to one (honestly we weren't even close at all lol). I felt silly and stupid for being scared of something that little kids were walking up to and smiling at. I guess it is pretty sad that I'd rather be in the company of a gigantic snake than a man dressed in costume. But all in all it was a beautiful day and a very loving time for us newlyweds. I tried my best to ignore the fact that every part of my preggo body hurt once we got home and instead looked forward to being able to take Alex later in the week.

For those of you who do not have access to the South Carolina State Fair or have not been able to attend this year, let me point out a few bonuses for our family this go 'round.

First: They are celebrating military appreciation and all active military and their families (with proper military ID) get in free, which means Matt and I got in free both times we went. Also, they were celebrating the boy scouts 100th anniversary so any boyscout dressed in their Class A uniforms got in free (so there...we all got in free!) Now, all the other times Alex has had some sort of opportunity to ride rides, he has always chickened out and sometimes cried b/c he was so scared but thankfully this time he agreed to at least try to ride on the slow-moving train. THANKFULLY, he loved it and couldn't wait to see what else he could ride!

It seemed that he couldn't get enough of the rides and even agreed to ride the fast-paced dragon (which he ended up not liking at all, but I was so proud that he tried it!). The boy scout exhibit was amazing and Alex loved seeing all it had to offer and it seemed to make him proud to be a part of the boy scouts.

Now that all of that is out of the way, you would think there would be at least one thing supporting our troops at the fair (since they were celebrating military appreciation) but the only thing that was there was a very small table next to the local Christian radio station's WMHK booth that had a few postcards laid out for you to sign to send oversea's to our men and women. I jumped at the opportunity to show my love and support to someone else in the military as I know how much it means to us when someone says something warm or nice and I quickly filled out the card and placed it in the box. I noticed no one was at the table so I saw some stickers laid out beside the box saying something along the lines of "I supported our troops" or something like that. I assumed those were handed out to everyone who signed a card so I tore one off for Alex and proceeded to tear one off for myself since, after all I had just filled out a card. About that time someone came around the corner and started speaking to Matt. I couldn't hear much of what he said besides (in a very hasty tone) "Did you fill out a card?" Matt replied, "My wife just did." I looked up and replied, "Yep! I just put it in the box." and smiled at the man but he just stared at me ripping off a sticker like I was doing something wrong. It honestly seemed that he didn't believe that I had and I was just going around the fair stealing people's stickers *rolls eyes*. I noticed Matt's tone was not very pleasant sounding and upon arrival back at home I found out that the snobby man never once told Matt thank you for his service or anything nice along those lines. As a matter of fact, only ONE person came up to him that whole night and said thank you. It's not like he was in civilian clothes and no one knew he was in the military. He had on his full ACU uniform and beret and I had on my dog tags and my I Love My Soldier tag, so there was no excuse for no one noticing. More people ooh'ed and aah'ed over Alex's uniform than Matt's.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my son and am very proud of him being a part of the Boy Scout's but for goodness sakes, he's not risking his life to protect us. Matt on the other hand is and we know at any second he could be called oversea's. I was appalled that everyone there seemed to be more concerned with which ride to ride next, or which overly fattening food to shove down their throats than to take one second to walk up and simply say, "thank you for your service". For a military wife...this is my life. Everything we do revolves around the Army. Thoughts of war and sacrifice run through my mind everyday and it's not something that will go away. Nor do I want it to. I WANT to be reminded of the sacrifice that millions before us have provided just so we can do all the things we enjoy doing today. I am very proud to be a part of this nation's military and even though I turn a little sheepish when someone comes up to ME and tells me thank you, I feel honored when someone says it to Matt. In my opinion, I'm just along for the ride. I never considered the fact that our family is sacrificing as well and have had that pointed out to me several times.

Several months ago I actually had someone stop me at my car and point to my window stickers that say "I love my soldier" and "Proud National Guard Family" and the man said, "Thank you for your service and all you do." I looked at him a little confused and replied, "Oh, I'm not in the army." He replied back, "Oh yes you are. Anyone who is a family member of a soldier and especially a wife is most certainly a part of the military." I looked at him getting a little teary eyed and he smiled and said, "Our spouses are the backbone of our military and they are what keeps us going each day and I know how difficult that is. So I once again tell you thank you for all your service and your sacrifices!" I had never felt so honored in my life. I finally felt like I had a purpose besides just making sure my household is fed, clothed, and things are running as smoothly as I can make them.

I don't ask that anyone tells me thank you for I fully knew what I was getting into when Matt first started talking about joining the military. But we all (as a nation) need to remember what these brave men and women are doing for us. We are selfish and constantly thinking of where we need to go next or what all we need to do for the day. If you do nothing else today, just take 5 seconds to simply breathe a heartfelt "thank you".

And a message to everyone who was at the fair last night and walked right past my husband...shame on you. Shame on you for caring more about the food, the rides, or the games. Shame on you (man at the booth) for caring more about your cards getting signed than having the opportunity to thank a soldier standing right in front of you instead of just sending one through the mail. Shame on you people for rushing to and fro in front of him in your comfortable jeans and T-shirts, rushing to get your new girlfriend a stuffed animal so she won't pout. Shame on you all.

I don't care if you ever tell me thank you for the sacrifice I am providing or thank you to my family for what they are going through. If you do feel the need to say it I will sheepishly accept. But you DO need to thank our men and women in uniform.

Now that my rant is done and I'm finished with two extreme fair trips, my whole body feels as if it will fall apart any second so I'm am dictating to myself to do absolutely nothing today. I can't risk having Liza come early just because I wanted to enjoy a state fair. I'm sure that stressing over ignorant people is not helping either, but my opinion had to be said. I can't sit back and watch that any longer without speaking my mind.

The Truth About Lying

I'm sure everyone is getting sick and tired of me talking about lying non-stop and hardships of my life, blah blah right? Well, not to be rude but that is the point of having my own blog and own Facebook site. Everyone else can write anything that bothers them so why can't I? The lying subject keeps coming up in my words because it keeps happening. I'm starting to realize that some people just aren't getting the hints that I'm putting out there. They just always assume I'm talking about someone else. So let's begin shall we?

What IS the truth about lying? There are many but let's start with this oldie but a goodie: Someone always knows. Want an example?

Years ago I had a male friend whose name we will not say here (this is for privacy reasons and none other even though I have no contact with this guy anymore...it's called respect). He had a very sweet, loving, innocent girlfriend who loved him more than the stars. Seeing them together you would think nothing was wrong and that their relationship was fine. They were usually together, had several things in common, and seemed to mesh well but appearances can be deceiving. The truth was, this guy was going out of town for work once to twice a month and while gone he was visiting strip clubs, bars, and "hooking up" with different women. I played dumb for quite some time to him pretending that I didn't know the truth and would politely "accept" the excuses he would come up with in front of his girlfriend all the while being able to look in his eyes and actually see that he was lying. No, there wasn't a twitch or quiver in his voice that gave it away...it was his soul.

"You can't look into someone's soul!" you may say...or, "That's impossible! You're crazy!" Well, maybe I am a little crazy but I can promise you it's not impossible. Want the proof?

After about a year of "knowing" that guy was lying he finally fessed up one night while drunk at a party at my house. I was one of two females there and the other girl was busy being a slut in my bathroom (I'm not kidding about that part) so there I was stuck to once again listening to "guy talk" about "babes" and their latests conquests. One of his friends let it slip that the last time they were out of town that they went to a strip club, spent tons of money, ignored their girlfriend's phone calls, and even managed to score a couple of "hot ass chicks" that they later took back to their hotel room and had sex with (I'll leave the gross details out here). So what could be worse than them obviously cheating on their girlfriend's? The fact that they didn't care. They were planning another trip already. They actually were proud that they pulled it off without the girls finding out.

Once he sobered up a bit, he asked if he could talk to me outside. I simply just nodded and followed him out. The conversation was as follows:

"You knew the whole time didn't you?" Steve said (we'll just call him that to make the dialog easier)

I nodded in response.

"Are you going to tell my girlfriend?" he asked.

I replied, "It's not my job to. It's yours."

"I can't tell her the truth. She'd leave me over it."

"Well, you should have thought about that when you did it."

After a long pause of him obviously thinking about what I just told him he finally spoke.

"Do you think I'm a bad person?"

"Yes." (the look on his face was obviously shock in my response) "You have the choice to be a good person but you chose wrong. You have all the tools at your feet to clean up your life and be good to those around you, yet you ignore it and keep doing what you're doing. So yes, in my opinion that makes you bad."

A few weeks later I ran into him at a store and he explained to me that he finally got the "guts" to tell his girlfriend what he had been doing while away. He was heartbroken that she left him and said that he was begging her to come back. Idiot. Of course she left. That's what she should have done. Why subject yourself to something as bad as that? Honestly I have no answer for that because every guy I've dated has cheated on me and/or lied. Only one has come clean and told me the truth. What they didn't realize was that I have this "gift" if you want to call it that and knew the whole time.

Which brings me to this: If you KNOW I can do this and you KNOW that I KNOW the truth...why lie? In the same respect, why do I continue to let those people stay around me? I'm sure you have many reasons for why you lie but for me...I stay because I know the truth will come out.

So what's the downfall of having this ability? Not being able to provide proof. Think about a friend saying this to you: "I know my husband is cheating on me." You say, "That's horrible! How do you know?" You reply, "I just do." Hmm...doesn't sound real convincing does it? To me, it doesn't matter that I don't have concrete pictures to prove you were doing what you were actually doing...it's the fact that I know. And that's just it...I always know.

I'm sure you are wondering why I don't just speak up and say something but I have. I've tried many times to pull out the truth and let them know that I know they are lying. There have been many times where the "stories" they tell don't add up and when I bring up those facts...of course more lies are said. It usually ends up in a fight and yelling or someone slamming a door and speeding off yada yada. Somehow it always ends up my fault (lovely, huh?).

Bottom line: God has assured me that the truth will surface. As for me, I have no idea why he shows me these things or these truth's, especially when there is not much I can do with the information at the time. All I can say is that he does. Through dreams, visions, and the gift of looking into your eyes and seeing the truth.

Would you stand in front of an angel and lie to them? You can lie to yourself all you want but you can't lie to God. I don't care if you believe in Him or not. He's still there and listening to what's in your heart. Getting mad at me for knowing what he's seen you do is not going to help any. You are simply trying to kill the messenger.

So for those who continue to lie to me (and yes, I can tell when you're lying on the phone as well...don't think that just because I can't physically see you that I can't know the truth) you will fall soon. I've seen it. All the lies that you have told will come out verbally, statistically, and proof wise. You can tip-toe around me all you want and try to show me that you care, but I know the truth. I can't stress that enough. I don't care how much you "say" you care, when your actions do something completely different. I'll continue to nod along with what you say until God gives me the go ahead, but chances are...I won't have to. You'll stumble...they always do.

Lesson here: Is it really worth it? Is that escapade that you are going on really so enjoyable that you are willing to lose everything in front of your eyes? Are the lies you are telling make you feel better about what you've done or somehow "erase" it?

Last point here: Ladies you aren't safe from what I say. You do it too...I've seen it and heard it.

So in closing: for those of you who are tired of me ranting about cheating and lying, this is my response. I'll stop talking about it when you stop doing it. Bottom line.

Hook, Line, and Sinker

Title: Shine

Tags: Family, love, loss, heartache, pain, drugs, alcohol, rape, rock'n'roll, angels, demons, ghosts, possession, confusion, abuse, hope

Overview: This is the tale of a woman re-counting her experiences through life. The final truth of her life is finally exposed as she discusses such experiences as growing up in a strict home, being raped at a young age, delving into drugs and alcohol, seeing and hearing ghosts and demons, being shuffled between two religions, surviving through several abusive relationships, starting a family, and every other fight in between. But most of all it's a recollection of discovering the truth in religion, life, and God's love for all humanity. Join her in a journey that will shed light on many of the world's issues facing teenagers and young men and women in today's society and learn the right and wrong ways of going about them.

Targeted Audience: Teenagers, Young Adults, Adults, Elderly

Quote: "You may think you know the truth, but you have no idea."


Now, after reading what I have posted above, answer honestly. Is this something you'd be interested in reading? Does any area seen above tug at your heart and make you want to learn the truth or even a tad big curious to see what will be said? More so than it being an enlightening truth, it's also a learning experience to be able to help you understand your own journey and even others around you. The targeted audience may be listed above but it truly takes someone with an open mind and more so, an open heart to get the full message portrayed in the book. As a bonus, I'm including an excerpt from the novel below. Don't draw any conclusions yet, just let your mind start working after reading. Much love to you all and God bless.




Excerpt from Shine:

The sun shone down on her bare hands as she had feared. The stinging sensation started earlier than expected. Driving across the Lake Murray dam, she headed for the infamous Harbison Blvd., which seemed to look more and more like a city within a city than an actual road. She hated going to that area, mainly because it seemed like everyone else who drove that overly crowded street either had massive road rage, or couldn't drive at all. She couldn't count how many time she had almost been hit in her '85 Honda civic hatchback. She'd sworn that it was the cars fault for the near accidents that happened on a daily basis.

“The car's too freakin' small!” she'd exclaimed more times than anyone would have actually liked to have heard. “People can't see me when I'm driving beside them and they just come on over into my lane without even checking their blind spots. I swear, I can't wait to get a new car!”

Now, on this chilly February morning, with her “new to her” 2002 Dodge Neon she felt more exhilarated and less likely to lose her life over some carelessly driving fool. She lightly hummed along to an old '80's tune on the radio as she cautiously watched the speed limit. Her brain, as it normally did, whirled and danced around hundreds of thoughts but was abruptly disrupted with another stinging sensation on the top of her hand. She glanced down and upon noticing that the sun was once again grazing her bare skin, she moved her hand farther down the steering wheel to the cooling shade.

She sighed to herself while thinking, “Why is it that I have so many health problems?” At the age of twenty-seven, she'd encountered her fair share. She was born hypoglycemic, which means that she had issues with her blood sugar being low, which she had to simply eat right and it usually stayed on track. At the age of sixteen, she began to develop ovarian cysts which only went away after weeks of excruciating tests, and finally a prescription for birth control pills. At a Fourth of July celebration at Ft. Jackson when she was twenty-four, she tripped on a cooler while trying to get away from the hoards of people who frantically tried to cram on the same bus back to their cars. The result of that insanity cost her major back pain for months, and minor daily pain every day since. Also on the list was pre-cancerous cells found on her uterus after the birth of her son, Sean; three head traumas, which were self-inflicted all because she stood up too quickly slamming the back of her head against a shelf in her home which caused her to become unconscious for only a few minutes each time; astigmatism in both eyes; and several gashes from her cat graciously falling into the bathtub while she was in it. But the most detrimental of all bodily complaints was her sensitivity to the sun's UV rays.

At the feel of the latest skin burning, she began to think back to that summer in 1998, when her family took their normal vacation to the high rise condo that her father rented down in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Back when she cared more about her looks than her health. When she cared more about what others thought of her and how much the daily teasing from her classmates burned her heart. And more than anything else, back when the uncaring doctor rudely said, “You're allergic to the sun!”

Desperate to avoid more than the once a year sun poisoning she was subjected to, she tried her best to stay out of the suns light but found that almost impossible to do. She repositioned her left hand repeatedly depending on how the sun was shining through her un-tinted car window. Her movement came more frequently as she drove along that winding road.

“Why am I allergic to the stupid sun? Couldn't I be allergic to something a little more avoidable...like nuts, or cotton, or...I don't know...plastic?” she thought to herself.

The ten week old mini dachshund puppy shifted his weight in her lap and looked up at her with wide glistening eyes. She grinned down at him and lightly scratched his head. Once content that all was well in the world and there was nothing to play with or bark at, he settled back down for some more sleep time.

The sun unavoidably shone onto the side of her head, making her seemingly dull brown shoulder length hair shine with hints of natural blonde and red highlights. She rolled her honey colored eyes at the warmth on the left side of her neck and began to ask questions again.

“Why has my life sucked so bad? I mean sure, it seems to be getting better now but come on! Why can't I get a break? Every time something goes right, five other things go wrong. Why do I have to be so white? Why can't I tan like everyone else? Why do I see supernatural thingamabobs? Why can't I be great at one thing, instead of being just decent at several? Why is it that-”

“Be quiet,” she heard from her right side.

She glanced over to the passenger seat but saw nothing. Her questions started again, “Who said that? Was that another ghost? Was it something evil? Did I just imagine that? Am I going crazy for real now-”

“Be quiet,” the same soft male voice said again, a little more aggressive this time.

“Okay...” she said slowly as she (not so secretly) asked a few more questions in her head.

“Stop asking questions and be quiet!” he harshly told her.

The shape of a man with dirty blonde hair, firm jaw line, pale skin, and dressed in a crisp white suit appeared sitting in the passenger seat of her grayish-blue Dodge. She noticed that he was a handsome looking man, er, thing? The “mans” clean shaven face, narrow lips, and piercing blue eyes seemed to scream anything but unholy to her.

“You're nothing like what I usually see,” she said giving him a mocking smile.

“I asked you to be quiet,” he replied, not changing the calm expression on his face.

“Okay, okay.”

Noticing the unamused look that he shot her, she straightened in her seat and looked forward at the road.

“Turn off your radio.”

Without saying a word, per his instructions, she reached down and pushed the knob in on the radio to shut if off completely.

“Just listen,” he said. “You need to stop asking so many questions. You don't wait for an answer before you ask another. You're very impatient.”

She glanced at him and gave him a smirk and a nod as if to say, “You're a quick one aren't ya?”

She sat impatiently in the noiseless atmosphere and drummed her fingers along the steering wheel. She suddenly felt a warm presence on her right hand and immediately stopped drumming. She glanced down at the pale soft hand that rested on top of hers then looked back at the mysterious man to her right.

“Shh,” he quietly said. “We've got you.”

She badly wanted to ask millions of questions to figure out what in the world he was talking about but before she could even think of one he spoke again.

“Stop worrying about everything. We've got you. When demons threaten you at night, we've got you. When the world feels like it's out to get you, we've got you. When you have to be out in the sun and you have no other choice, we've got you. You're taken care of Khat.”

Katherine Moon was speechless for maybe the first time in her life.

She came to a complete stop at a red light and reached down to take hold of her favorite energy drink. He gripped her hand tighter.

“No.”

She wordlessly looked up at his face wondering why she was having to be so quiet and still.

Her phone chimed noting that she had a new email, but as she went to reach for it he spoke again.

“No.”

She felt no need to argue or even complain. She simply just sat very still, waiting for the light to turn green and for the man to give further instructions.

She began to hear a faint sound. She cocked her head to the left trying to figure out where the sound was coming from and what it actually was. It sounded as if someone's radio was on in another room...except...she was in a car. Made no sense at all. She noticed it sounded a lot like singing, yet also like bells or chimes. Trumpets, organs, violins or some instrument she had never heard of played in the background. She couldn't pinpoint anything in the noise yet for some reason her eyes began to water. It was beautiful, yet strange at the same time.

She looked over at the man who seemed to shine in front of her eyes and started to speak but abruptly stopped before she even began.

“You can ask,” he said giving her a warm smile.

“What is that?” she said quietly.

“Angels.”

Her mind whirled. Questions flooded so fast that she couldn't pinpoint just one to ask. Her breath caught in her throat and her heart raced.

After what seemed like an eternity of trying to steady herself she finally said, “I'm hearing angels?”

He nodded at her giving her a more sympathetic look.

She noise faded away and the light turned green, yet she just sat there.

He pointed to the light and said, “You need to drive.”

She laughed lightly and slowly pressed down on the gas pedal.

She remembered a line from her favorite T.V. Show, Supernatural, and spoke that line to him.

“What, I can hear angel radio now or something?” She gave him a playful smile but didn't actually expect a response from him.

“Interesting way to put it, but yes.”

Without meaning to, she jerked the wheel to the left. His hand quickly was placed back on top of hers and the car steadied itself back on the road.

She couldn't speak anymore. She wouldn't have know what to say even if she could. The only thing that she kept thinking in her head was, “who is this guy?”

“I'm your angel,” he replied as if he could hear what she was thinking...or could he?

Before she could say anything he said, “Yes, I can hear you.”

“I wish I could know your name.”

“Josiah.”

She pulled into the parking lot of the unusually empty Old Navy store and parked close to the entrance. She didn't want to get out. She didn't want to go get a new pair of jeans. She didn't want to even speak. She just wanted to stay there.

“Go ahead,” he spoke motioning for the store. “Have fun.”

His smile calmed her down.

“But what about you?” she asked. “Will you stay with me?”

White faceless figures appeared all around her, inside the car and out. At least eight surrounded her. Her mouth fell slightly open as she looked around and back at him.

“We've always been with you...and we always will be.”

Satisfied with the answer, she opened the door, turned off the car and stepped out into the warm sunlight. The burning returned on her exposed skin but quickly faded. She glanced over her shoulder and saw three of the angels with their wings spread high above her head, shading her from the sun.

She heard his voice speak one more time as they all faded from sight.

“We've got you.”

How Much More?

How much more do I have to take before I break down? Why can't I just shout out what is really bothering me and actually have someone understand it. I'm so afraid to speak up and say something because of another fight and truthfully, I'm tired of fighting. I've been fighting my whole life. I tend to just sit quietly and not say when something is upsetting me. How many more lies do I have to be exposed to? How much more abuse do I have to withstand? Yes, I realize the "easy" solution is to speak up and demand respect but I've already lost enough people in my life by doing that very thing. How many more am I willing to lose by "standing up for myself"? But the alternative is to constantly and forever be used, abused, and lied to. I'm being chipped away little by little and I really feel there is not much left of me to take. I want the truth. The utter and honest truth but I never get it. Even when I demand it, I get more lies on top of lies. Even when people KNOW that I can read right through them and know exactly when they are lying, they still lie. Why?! If you know you are busted, why keep on digging your grave deeper? It may sound mean to say, but I WILL have the last laugh. I WILL be the one to come out on top. And I WILL have my reward one day for all the pain I've suffered through. That is the ONLY thing keeping me going. Just to know my enemies and fake friends will fall is enough to keep my mouth shut when they stare me right in the eyes and tell fibs to make themselves look better. I warn you yet again, be careful which lie you say next. I always know. I may not always have hard proof, but I know just the same. You may think that you are winning and getting away with everything that you try to hide, but I see. God given gift? Who knows. And if you think I'm the one falling to my "death", wait until you see me standing above your fallen body. I will keep my mouth shut until you finally fumble and everything is revealed. Tread lightly.

Getting bold about the truth

It could be the fact that I'm overly exhausted, the fact that my family is having to pay off a woman who doesn't even deserve to be breathing right now, the fact that my school is stressing me out, the fact that I hate my doctor's office but hate the fact that I'm having to change insurance companies soon even more, or the fact that I was just diagnosed with gestational diabetes but I'm getting real bold now. My secrets that I've hinted on have already come out in the last blog and I'm about to do it again. Everybody sing with me!!!! "Oops I did it again..." Umm...no.

Let me start by saying that I'm so tired and annoyed! I'm really annoyed that I HAVE to set aside at least two hours a day for a nap and if I don't then I just fall asleep. It happened this morning very unexpectedly while I was waiting for it to be time to test my blood sugar again. I had 15 minutes left before it was time to prick the finger once again and the next thing I knew, I was waking up two hours later. I guess it's kind of like narcoleptic episodes? Yes, I get it I'm pregnant but seriously? But even more so than the weird sleeping any time any where episodes is the fact that I have now had a total of nine, count 'em...N.I.N.E. random strangers tell me that I look huge and "ready to pop". Not that I'm ready to weigh and tell (I am a woman after all) but I weight 148 lbs AND I'm in my third trimester. How in the world does that make me huge?! Yes, I understand they are probably just trying to make conversation but every time I tell these idiots that I have until the end of November until my baby is due they look shocked. Hint: that does NOT make the big bellied, swollen woman feel better about herself! I've only had one stranger make me feel better and her small comment as she walked out of the door in front of me at the store was the best thing I'd heard throughout my pregnancy. She said, "Aww! Your little belly is so cute!" (Happened just about two weeks ago) Why is she the only one to see that I'm not some huge cow like everyone else makes it seem?

Getting past all of this rambling: I went shopping today at my local Joann's craft store (one of my favorite places to be!)and even though I know we owe money to a certain individual, I really needed it. Buying cheap stupid looking Halloween decorations seemed to lift my spirits and after two full days of crying on and off about everything going on, yes I needed it. Even more so, I'm planning to start tomorrow decorating the house for Halloween. Yes, I realize it will be September 11th and way too early for the normal American to be decorating but I don't really care! Ever since I was little, I've had a fascination with Halloween. Not because of some evil traditions or stories but because simply, it's fun! You can be who you want, you can be crazy, your house can look crazy, you can eat tons of candy (ok..well not for me this year), and it's fun to see kids eyes light up. But what I find most interesting is how much paranormal activity picks up around this time of year.

Wait, what did you say? Yes, I said paranormal. I'm not talking about Ghost Hunters, debunking haunted locations type of paranormal (even though I do admit that I love that show). I'm talking about what the normal human being doesn't see or hear. Let me break this down for you.

Have you ever walked into a room, house, location, etc. and just FELT like someone was watching you? Chances are though, when you turn around or investigate nothing's there so you just brush off the feeling. But what if I told you that chances are (about 80%) that there is something watching you? Scary thought? Let's have another example: Ever watch a real scary movie with monsters, ghosts, demons, etc. and you are watching the clock the whole time wondering when the movie will be over? Of course when the credits roll you laugh and sigh in relief knowing that you can turn on the lights and go back to your normal Facebook games. What if that movie never went off? What if you got no relief when you turned the lights on or even grabbed your keys and left the location that the "monsters" were at? What if when you felt that "something" staring at you, you turned around to actually find something there? How scared would you be? Would you run and tell everyone you know to look out and run away from this "thing" that follows you every where or would you stay silent? Chances are if you told, not many (if any) would believe you!

Here's my blunt truth: I see, feel, and/or hear spirits, ghosts, demons, etc. Read it again if you need to but yes, it's true. It started when I was nine and has happened ever since. Before you get excited and call me out on a ghost hunt with you (which I honestly wouldn't mind!) don't think that I can just go in a place, call upon them and then tell you who and what they are and what they want. It doesn't work that way. I see what they want me to see. I hear what they want me to hear. If they don't want me to see or hear them, they conceal it but chances are I'll feel something around. Even if I can see them and/or hear them it's not always the truth. I honestly won't give too much away here because all of this will be in my novel, so why tell now and risk the chance of people saying, "Ah well I already know the story so I don't want to buy the book"? I'll leave a little mystery here.

I will say this, it's not fun. I don't particularly find it appealing when I'm out to dinner with family or friends and look over to see something demonic standing near. It's definitely not fun when you are home alone and go to walk down your hallway and all but slap right into something standing in the hallway trying it's best to block your way (the reason? God only knows). Trust me, I look pretty stupid when I'm out in public and suddenly step to the side to walk around this entity. Of course, no one else see's that. They just see some crazy woman step around something invisible. I could easily be thrown into a mental institution for even talking about this but I know what I see and I know it's real.

No, I don't always know what they want. I don't always know why they are here. And I certainly don't always know why they are around me or why I see them. Bits and pieces of my destiny are being revealed one slow layer at a time and all I can do is take the information I already have and use it.

Best piece of advice for those of you who do see ghosts, demons, whatever: DON'T TALK TO THEM! Please don't ask them what they want. I used to do this on a daily basis and I am sitting here alive today confessing that I've been possessed over four times. Yes, you read that right. I have witnesses, even though I don't particularly remember what happened during those times. I have gotten myself in so much trouble by using Ouija boards, Tarot cards, and by simply trying to have a conversation with the spirit. They have tricked me into thinking they were something good or harmless.

But the BEST advice I have for anyone who can or CAN'T see them is: If you FEEL something weird or out of the ordinary, just start praying. Pray quietly, because I've actually been mocked during my prayer by a demon. God will hear you, I promise. There really is no harm in praying out loud during those times but hearing a hissing voice repeating what you are praying and laughing as you do can cause you to stop praying...never a good thing.

Many find it ironic (maybe even moronic) that I decorate my house with ghost doo-dad's for Halloween but it's all a joke. It's a way for me to look at my life and simply laugh and realize that I'm being protected. And yes, I know that for a fact because on top of seeing the bad spirits...ready for this?...I can also see my guardian angel.

Now I'm sure you think I'm making this up. Honestly, it won't hurt my feelings if you don't believe me, many haven't before but yes, I see him. I can speak with him, cry to him, and feel his hands on my shoulders when I just need a caring touch to help calm me down. He's my "Brad Pitt" angel (that will be explained in the book as well). For now, that's all you need to know. Even though we have spoken several times, one phrase he said will always stick out in my mind and this is one I feel I should share with all of you:

Upon the first time of me ever seeing him (which was only a few months ago!) I wanted to know if him and his "team" (whom I had the pleasure of witnessing only once) would always be around to protect me. His response, "We've always been here [pause] and we always will be."

I'll end it there...

It's All Fun And Games 'Till Someone Gets Battered

I've held my tongue long enough about a huge event in my life and even though I have received an heart felt apology and have forgiven this individual, I still find that I'm not healing from the events. I really feel it's because every day I have to pretend like nothing happened. So I'm putting all of that aside today in order to get the truth out and finally start the healing process.

We all know where I am now, happily pregnant with my second child, getting ready to enter my second marriage, and happily taking care of my home and family (pets included) but does anyone really know the truth about my first pregnancy or my first child? I will be changing names in this blog but chances are that won't help much because many of you know who my ex-husband actually is but for the purposes of those who don't know, we will just call him Jack.

I met Jack while dating another guy many years ago. We never clicked or anything of the sort and honestly I didn't give him much thought. That relationship ended badly with one swift back hand across my face for calling him out for cheating (the ex before Jack). Shortly after the break up, Jack showed up at my house for one of my many parties that was being thrown by my room mate at the time. We some how hit it off this time. I honestly didn't want another relationship so soon but the more we talked the more I realized we had a good bit in common...or so I thought. After only a few short weeks of "dating" I became pregnant. For anyone becoming pregnant for the first time, right after your 21st birthday, and coming from a strict southern baptist family...I was terrified. I didn't know anything about kids besides the little I learned from the two year old staying with me and the tid bits of baby sitting I did in high school. When I told Jack he seemed extremely thrilled. No one else really was that excited mainly because it was out of wed lock.

I quickly realized that unlike my ex-roommate, that I didn't want to raise my child in a roach infested trailer with no working stove, hot water, or heat so I quickly found an apartment for rent close by. I won't go into what happened with the roommate...I'll save that for another time. Jack and his best friend who just so happened to live in the same apartment complex as the one I was going to moved what we could salvage from the trailer. The couches, beds, and most of the furniture was simply too infested to bring. Within just two days I found myself in an empty, furniture-less apartment with a slowly growing belly. But honestly, I loved my apartment. At first Jack did everything he could to help. He found me a couch and helped me buy a few tid bits for the apartment but shortly that all changed.

One day after an exhausting 8 hours at work, I came home to find Jack had moved completely in. It was never discussed, he just simply did it. I tried to bite my tongue but honestly, since I was paying the rent and just my name was on the lease I didn't like the fact that he just showed up. He kept saying, "We're a family now." which irked me even more. We barely knew each other! But I continued to do my best to make it work. Within a few short weeks I found myself working a full time job, doing all of the cleaning, and all of the cooking and being demanded to have his dinner ready by the time he got home. Not a big deal right? Wrong! When you never know when he's coming home, that's a little difficult to have dinner ready and still hot when he walks in the door. Little arguments started quickly but I always folded and just put my head down and did what I was told like a good little girl. Even though I quit smoking, drinking, and doing drugs...Jack decided to take a different route. He first tried to hide it, then I suppose he got tired of that and started smoking cigarettes and weed in the living room. I explained to him that if I can't smoke, he couldn't either in the house. That's the same thing as me lighting up. But it didn't phase him one bit. His hours at "work" became later and later and more and more fights started about everything from laundry to the way I cleaned.

I first noticed something was really off about him when he began to demand sex from me. Even when I was about to throw up from morning sickness, he wanted it and wouldn't take no for an answer. If I would put my foot down and say no, he would get up and go watch porn on the T.V. but if I caught him he would always make up an excuse claiming that he was innocent in the whole matter. I've always had a huge issue with porn and that stems from several other sex addicted boyfriends I've had. I'm disgusted by the whole industry and he knew that..but obviously didn't care. I still tried to make the relationship work but after only two or three months I just snapped.

He always complained about the way I hung my jewelry up. I didn't have a jewelry box, so I took a nail, tacked it up on the bathroom wall, and hung my necklaces there. He claimed it looked trashy (even though I've seen it done soooo many times!). After one of his "long nights at work" he came home, went to the bathroom for over 45 minutes (which I'm sure we all know what he was doing in there), came out, sat on the couch and mindlessly watched t.v. for two hours. All of a sudden he says, "oh, I took your necklaces down."

"What?!" I exclaimed as I hopped up from the couch and ran to the bathroom to find all of my necklaces in a tangled head laying in the sink. It took me close to two hours to untangle them all. I'd had enough of this person coming in and controlling my life. I marched out to the living room and told him to pack up. We were done with the co-living situation. He immediately started crying and pleading but I just didn't want to hear it. I finally told him to get out. He said he would have his stuff out by the next day.

Sure enough, after work the next day when I arrived at home, he was gone and so was everything else besides my kitchen table and my small couch. I was relieved but irritated that even the dishes and microwave was gone. My parents graciously helped me restock what I had lost little by little and I continued to move on with my life. Jack began coming by whenever he wanted (he had a key), leaving me presents, and showing up at my job. The first thing he gave me (which he left on the table the day he moved out) was a "promise" gold ring. He left a note claiming that if I would accept the ring we could start over. I wasn't ready for that commitment and told him that I needed time. But time he didn't give me. He also left carnations in my apartment. Widely known fact about me...I HATE carnations. I had said that time and time again to him so in my mind, why would you buy me something I truly hate? The appearances at work became so common that one day I was told by my boss, "You need to tell him to stop coming by or you will be fired!" Crap! I told him to quit showing up every where I was and that he was about to get me fired but nope, he didn't listen. He still showed up and tried to walk behind the counter just to "feel the belly".

Now, I understand being away from your growing child is tough but buddy you brought that on yourself. After months of agony by him stalking me and crying every chance he got (be a man!) I finally decided to make a time for us to meet and sit down to talk about everything. But guess what?? He never showed! I shrugged it off and went on with my life not hearing from him for the remainder of the pregnancy. I did everything on my own. I even picked out my son's name by myself. I decided to give my son my last name because honestly I didn't think his father would ever be in the picture.

During labor I asked dad to call Jack to let him know the baby was coming. Dad did NOT want to but did just because I asked. Jack and his entire family showed up not long after. Considering that this was my first labor, I was scared to death, and down right sick (throwing up) I really didn't want tons of people in the delivery room watching me push out a kid from my vagina! The nurse shooed everyone out of the room to check my stats. Once alone she leaned over and said, "Who do you want in here? Don't be shy. Tell me who you want to stay and I will make sure everyone else leaves you alone." I didn't want to be mean so I just shook my head but she continued, "I can tell there is a lot of tension here and frankly, you don't need that. You are pushing life out of your stomach...the focus is on you...not them." I finally said I wanted my mom, my sister, and Jack in the room. The stocky nurse smiled, nodded, and stormed out of the room. Shortly after the people I requested came in and I could hear yelling from the hallway. Jack's family was raising hell demanding to be in the room. Of course, they were all pissed at me.

Fast foward, after 12 hours of labor my son was finally born. I was exhausted. I slept for a while, tried to unsuccessfully breast feed, and started welcoming guests who were coming to see the new baby. Jack's family shows up, no one says a word to me. Jack's mother said a few words to me finally and when his aunt walked in his mother said, "I'd like you to meet the mother of the baby-". The aunt butts in, "I don't care who she is!" and turns her back to me all while holding MY SON! I was mortified to have been treated so sourly. Over the next few days, postpartum depression sunk in. Jack came by every day to see his child and remained to do so for a few weeks after we got back home. He bought a crib and chester drawers for our son. I thought things were going good so we decided to try to make the relationship work again.

It only took a month for the demanding sex to start back up. It didn't matter to him that I suffered from after birth pains, or that I was diagnosed with displaysia (pre-cancerous cells on the uterus which had to be burned off). He always wanted it. Our fights started back up and we broke up about 5 times in one year. His obsession with anything sex related got worse.

Once our son was a year old, we found a sitter and I was "allowed" to go out with him and his friends to a local bar. After only a few drinks I found myself feeling sick. I wasn't new to drinking by any means so it seemed odd. We got in Jack's car, me in the front seat, his friend in the back whom we needed to take home and his other friend on the driver's side window talking to Jack. I at that point all but passed out. I couldn't move or talk. My eyes closed and my breathing slowed down drastically but I could hear and feel everything. Jack proceeded to pull my top down and expose my breasts. He began fondling them right in front of his friend at the window. He tried to get him to join but the guy thought it was wrong and just walked away. He then says, "Hey S---(not providing the friends name), check it out!" He jiggled by left breast and flicked his finger against my nipple. His friend replied, "That's just wrong. Come on man, knock it off." Thank you S---! Realizing that no one wanted to play but him, he drove S--- home, the whole time fondling me. Anyone who might have pulled up next to us at a stop light would have seen it. He dropped his friend off and drove me home to the apartment, still fondling. My movement started coming back to my legs and slowly moved up to my head. He quickly pulled my shirt back up and didn't say a word. Once home, he tried to help me out of the car. I took a moment to make sure my legs were working and once convinced, I bolted up the stairs and tried to slam the door before he got there. He blocked the door with his foot demanding to know what was wrong. Here's what I said, "You honestly thought I wouldn't know?! I was awake the whole time! How could you! Get out! I never want to see you again!" He busted in the door. I cowered in the corner and had no clue what to do. All I knew to do was scream. He kept trying to shh me saying the neighbors would hear but I kept screaming. Finally one of my neighbor's porch lights came on, he got scared, and walked out closing the door behind him. I don't think I need to tell you how I felt about all of this so we'll skip ahead.

After days and days of repeated phone calls and begging and yes, more crying I took him back. Stupid me? Yep you bet! But I did it for my son, not me. Over the next several years, the forceful sex gradually got worse. We had so much heat from our families about not being married that we finally decided to tie the knot. The wedding was beautiful and my parents did a fantastic job, but I was anything but happy. I did my best to put on a happy face to disguise my disgust for my new husband. The honeymoon phase never really happened. We got in fights on a weekly basis.

The sex became painful, literally. Several times I would bleed and beg for him to stop but for some reason, that just got him hotter. He began holding my hands behind my back and pushing my face down into the mattress. I get it, some people like it rough but when your wife is screaming in pain and bleeding...don't you think that's a little too rough. After each time he would throw me a towel and just walk off or go to sleep. I didn't want my "family" to fall apart because I knew how much my son loved his father so I endured all of it. I kept quiet when it hurt, I kept quiet when he was busted looking at porn on his phone, I kept quiet when he yelled at me for leaving one wrinkle in his shirt, I kept quiet when he wanted me to roll play that I was having sex with my best girl friend, I kept quiet when he wanted to pretend that I was her, I kept quiet when he asked his friend to join us, and I even kept quiet when he wanted me to pretend I was his nine year old daughter. I did so many roll playing sexual things that I'm truly ashamed. The few times I did protest, a huge fight would start and he would yell and call me names and just truly make my life hell until I gave in.

A young girl in the neighborhood quickly became a good friend of mine (she was 9). Jack began getting up from bed when she would stay over while I was sleeping. He would leave his pajama pants unbuttoned (years later I found out that she saw it all) and he even tried to jack off while sitting behind her. I put a stop to that...quickly! It got to the point where I would not sleep when she was there. I stayed up making sure that if he got up, I would be going out there too. I cared too much for this girl to have something happen to her.

It got to the point where I would wake up to him having sex with me. Several times I woke up to a nasty shot in the face of semen without any warning. He took pictures of me without me knowing (I found them on his phone), made me dress up in horrible outfits, and made me do more things than I can count. It was never enough. He finally admitted after me catching him over twenty times, that he had a porn addiction and wanted help. Ok, first step is admitting so I agreed to help. I deleted his account off of my computer and began monitoring all of his activity. Anytime I would leave the house while he was there, I would come home to find porn sites on the history. He denied all of them of course claiming that there was a virus or that they just popped up.

First let me say, I'm in school for computers. I'm no naive little chicken when it comes to the computer. I know how to get in there and look up anything that I want. You can't fool me when it comes to the computer...many have tried...many have failed. I finally gave up after always hearing the same thing, "It's a damn virus! I haven't been looking at porn! Maybe it was YOU looking at it!" Umm...ok? A virus doesn't do a particular Google search for a specific person. Didn't think of that did you? Also a virus doesn't look up specific videos on just "red heads" (his favorite kind of woman)and even if by some chance one virus did...why did you sit and watch the whole video? Mhmm...I can see that too. Busted!

Anyways, I gave up trying to help. It got so bad that I refused to sleep in the bed with him. I always slept on the couch. He was never home before 9 or 10 p.m. and on the weekends would sleep in until 2 or 3, then go out all night. I stopped all sex between us. One, I didn't want to be hurt anymore and two, I had no idea who else he was sleeping with. I'd rather not have any sexual diseases thank you.

Ready for the best part? Shortly after Christmas, he disappears for an entire night. He wouldn't answer the phone or return any texts. He shows up for a few minutes to change clothes, I ask him about the disappearance, he gets mad, leaves again and shows back up early the next morning to change clothes for work. I block the door demanding to know what is going on. He says, "we'll talk about it tonight." that's all he would say. I noticed his wedding ring was off so I replied by taking mine off and handing it to him while saying, "I'm supposing this is what you want to talk about?" He wouldn't respond and left. That night he comes home, walks in the door and says...and I quote..."I'm not in love with you anymore. I want a divorce."

I'm not going to play dumb here and lie. I begged. Even on my knees to get him to stay. Why?? Many reasons but the biggest was our son. I was willing to live the rest of my life in hell for that little boy. Our son, who was in his room during all of this heard me crying, stormed down the hall way, buffs up to his dad and says, "What are you doing to my mommy????" Jack looked mortified. The one man in my life who stood up for me was three years old. It took a three year old to stand up for a woman when his 25 year old dad should have. Needless to say, it was over. He left. Came to visit a few times then disappeared again. Found out a few weeks later that he was living with a new girlfriend. Where did he meet his new girlfriend?? At work! Yep! There ya go. Needless to say their relationship didn't last long. The day of our divorce he tried to beg once again for us to be together. I was numb from head to toe at that point. I vowed never to take him back or be put in that position by any man ever again. And I stand by that. My son deserves his mother. That's what he needs. And as much as he still loves his father I can't force myself to tell that little boy the truth.

Until now, no one has known the truth about our relationship. My family doesn't know, his family surely doesn't know. I just keep pretending and letting them smack me down saying it's my fault. I was even told by his mother that they all thought our son wasn't his. Lovely huh?

One more tid bit...while being physically raped at least once a week while we were married, I finally spoke up between sobs one night about him raping me. His answer..."It's not considered rape if you're married."

Ladies, get out if this is happening to you. Don't worry what people will say. Just get out. Don't be stupid like I was. Because I can promise you, when you lay down to go to sleep at night even years after it's ended you will still find yourself wanting to weep and expecting it to happen again. The pain never truly goes away.

Do I feel better after getting the truth out? Yes, a little. There's much more to tell but I'm tired, my son is home sick, and I have a lot to do today so that will have to wait. I'd feel much better if his family knew the truth about him, but I won't do that. It will all come out when the book is published and I'm sure I'll be slammed down by then and called all kinds of names but I can't remain silent any longer.