Grow Tough Roots Among The Rocks

“For a tree to become tall it must grow tough roots among the rocks.” -Friedrich Nietzsche

**Update: I know the music player is new. Don't shut it off. It serves a purpose for this blog I promise.



I've had several people say to me lately, "I'm so mad at God!" or "God doesn't care about me." and I have to admit, last night I found myself losing a little hope in the world around me, but the ride home today got me really thinking about it all. It's so easy for us to blame God or to get frustrated/mad/disappointed/etc. in Him but he made us...that in itself should be enough for us to rejoice and celebrate in yet, as humans, we tend to only turn to him when we need something. We drop to our knees in a heartbeat when everything falls apart relying on the fact that he is the only one who can change things. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you should never call upon him but frankly, I'm seeing too much of this during these horrible times and not enough of "thank you".

I, myself, have fallen to the fates of the world and haven't had "time" to read the bible or worship him in the way I should. Truth of the matter is, I'm running out of steam all together. It seems that every turn I take, something is trailing behind me and worse, catching up. I think I've cried more and harder than I have in years over the past few days/nights. I'm noticing that I'm falling back into my pattern of sucking it all in and hiding from everyone. I want to talk to someone, but find it much easier to just separate myself from others and wait until my feelings of hurt and doubt pass. On another hand, I wouldn't know where to begin if someone sat down and said, "talk". I'd probably just laugh instead. I've had a few step forward recently and ask if there was anything I wanted to talk about and I just shut down as soon as they said something. Truth? I wanted to scream, cry, shake, and ask question after question and even though all of this was happening in my head at the same time...I found myself only shrugging and saying I didn't have anything to talk about.

This is a defense mechanism that I picked up long ago. I've found that the things that go on around me and much more in my head (thoughts), no one seems to believe, doesn't want to hear, or decides to instead criticize for thinking the way I do. If I were to actually ever get up the courage or be able to put into words what all is actually going on with me and in me, I'd probably make the other person either break into tears or run away screaming.

I can honestly say that I've tried to talk to a few recently about certain things that are going on that I'd rather not make public but I've either gotten no response or a head nod. I'm going to tell you all a little secret...when someone decides to open their mouth to say something to you, even if it's bad...it's not a good idea to start talking about yourself or to ignore them. Just sayin'...

But all of this is besides the point. My point is, even though I feel like I'm crawling on the floor and something is stepping on my back to keep me from getting up, I'm still HOPEFUL. Read that again (don't worry, I'll wait).

I don't know myself how anything is going to get fixed or where I'm going to go from here but I know I'll go somewhere! And so will you. Go ahead, call on God but just know that he doesn't HAVE to do anything. I may never understand or know why he picks and chooses like he does but I have to hold on to hope that there IS a reason all of this is happening. And when there's no one else to listen to you, write me. I may not have any answers that you want to hear. Heck, I may not have ANYTHING to say back to you, and that might just be what you need. But I can promise to be there with you/for you/behind you. I may not understand what you're going through, but how will you know until you try?

And yes, I'm listening every time someone tells me that I can come to them if I need to, and one day I might. But when I do, don't laugh at me. Don't tell me it's stupid or that I'm lying. Don't push me away and ignore me when I talk but frankly...at the point I'm currently at, I'd rather not say a single word and deal with it on my own than to be ignored, shunned, or put down by any means. The past few nights, I've waited until the children were asleep and just sat outside by myself because I needed to. I needed to sit in silence with no T.V., no phone, no distractions and just calm down. I'm trying desperately not to show it but rage is building so heavily that sometimes all I can do is cry (and if you know me at all, you'll know that I HATE to cry in front of people).

So enough of me...back to YOU. I know for a FACT that several people I'm close to (and not close to) are going through some of the worst times of their lives. It all seems to coincide with one another (probably for a reason) and you are getting overwhelmed. I understand this more than you know. You're feeling as if you can't breath, can't swallow. You feel like your legs are going to give out at any minute (and they probably have already at some point recently). You're tired of crying behind closed doors, and you're tired of smiling to others doing your best to make them think you're happy. Here's a hard break of reality for you: THEY KNOW. They know it's fake. They know your smile isn't real. They know you are breaking down from the pressure. They know much more than you're giving them credit for. Instead of lying to them and making that other person feel worse than they already do, just say "No, I'm not okay but I WILL be!" The more you tell this to others, the more you will start to believe it. Now, say a prayer (doesn't have to be out loud). If you don't know how to pray or where to start just say this-- "Lord, I have NO idea what I'm doing. I'm falling faster every day and feel like I can't get back up. I NEED you. But more so, I LOVE you and THANK YOU for everything you've done for me and given to me. Because without YOU I wouldn't have ANY of the things I have today."

Cry if you have to. Scream if you have to. Punch a dog if you have to (kidding on that one...made you smile a little though right?) Do whatever it takes to stand back up, even if for just a little while. And just know that while you're struggling to find a way through the thick vines...so am I. You're never alone, even if you think you are. I can't quote scripture to you, heck, I don't know a single verse by heart but I can tell you that there is a REASON for all of this. What that is...I have no idea but we'll find it out eventually. Until then...grow your roots.

God bless