Every time I attempt to start writing this particular blog, a few sentences into it I hit a block and can't seem to write anymore. Is it because my mind wanders somewhere else or it could be that it is not the message I need to broadcast today? So many issues ran through my head that I wanted to write about that have happened to me personally (drugs, jail, rape, attempted suicide, cheating, abusive relationships, failed marriage, children, sex, porn, and demons just to name a few) but as I look at that long incomplete list I see nothing good in those words. If I see nothing good then how would anyone reading this? Does it matter that I learned something really important from having to go through each of those instances? After my six year old son very rudely made a comment in front of my best friend the other day pretty much saying he didn't care that I busted my butt to clean the house, I watched as he quietly carried out his punishment of sweeping the front porch. After he thought he was finished and that he had done a good job, I had him sit down and watch as I showed him the "right" way to sweep and he saw how much he missed. I proceeded to explain that when we don't think about what we are doing or what we are saying at the time could really effect someone even if you apologize.
I stopped sweeping, glanced over my shoulder at my son swinging his legs back and forth dangling from the chair and intently watching what I was doing. I sighed, leaned back against the railing, and said, "If someone slapped you in the face and then turned around and said they were sorry...would it still hurt?"
His reply was a very loud, "Yeah!"
"Why would it still hurt?" I asked.
"Because they slapped me!"
I had to giggle a little before I explained, "Just because you say you are sorry after you do something bad or say something mean doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt that other person."
My eyebrow raised as I watched his expression to see if he was really listening to what I was saying.
"Oh! I get it!" he announced.
We continued the speech and I gave a few more examples and ultimately brought up how life used to be when his father and I were still together. For the first time we talked about what exactly happened (even though a few really disturbing details were left out mainly because I didn't feel a six year old could handle hearing it) and we started to heal from the process.
It seemed that when we talked about it, it made it easier for me to deal with. For me, personally, I'd rather just forget it ever happened and not tell a soul what really went on behind closed doors (and that's for any situation...not just my failed marriage). I'm seeing now that it is not always the best way to handle things. Even though I'm not ready to shout out to the world through a megaphone what all I have experienced, been through, and seen I do know that these baby steps are doing a world of good not only for me, but for others who just might be going through what I went through right now. God allowed these things to happen to me so I could not only be a stronger individual but also so I could help others realize they are not alone in their journey much like I thought I was.
I used to go with the motto of if you were forgiven for what you had done that you could forget about it and move on but I'm finding that is not true for the project I am working on right now (I'd rather remain silent about that one). In due time everything will be revealed and people will know the truth. Whether they choose to believe it or not is up to them.
God wants us to plant the seed of truth among our friends and family but it is NOT up to us to make the seed grow. Only He can do that. So once again I say to you: If I told you it was all true, would you believe me?
Your faith can continue to grow every day and you can learn new things and ways of handling tough situations but ONLY if you LET IT! What good is continuing to stick your hand in the tiger's cage if you never learn that it's painful and to quit doing it?
As for me, my cuts from my past and a present issues are deep and they are slowly healing but as with any gash, it will not be done over night. I've seen who will stick around during those times and who won't and the biggest lesson of the day for me was to stop getting angry at those individuals who are OBVIOUSLY lost in this world and instead, pray for them. Even though the sight of someone can make your stomach churn because you can tell exactly who that person is by glancing in their eyes you need to bless them. Only then can both of your lives begin to change and grow. Only then can God help you both and hey, you never know, you maybe just be lucky enough to see their transformation. Don't cut yourself short.
Don't confuse blessing someone and being nice to them with putting yourself in harm's way. If you know a plane is going to crash and burn...why would you willingly put yourself on that plane? Same for people. If you KNOW something they are doing is wrong, immoral, or not something that looks right...why would you associate yourself with them? In that instance, anything that happens to you is just as much your fault as it is theirs.
Be wise in this world...not blind and dumb.
I love you all and please in this upcoming year...be careful. More and more is going to try to come at you and knock you off your feet. DON'T LET IT. Stand strong and in the Lord and nothing can touch you. God bless you all. Love you.
-Sarah
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