My mind has been elsewhere other than blogging. Truth is, life kinda fell apart recently. Everything that I had grown to love and hold dear quickly started to slip away. Not only family and friends but also dreams and aspirations. I feel at times like I'm cornered with all of the things on my to do list. I feel like I have taken on a little too much. Not only the daily care of the family and pets, but also school (which is quickly becoming non-existent) and also a video project I promised. It's not that I don't want to do it, it's that I'm finding it hard to get the time. Not to mention that my original plan for the video itself fell through. What makes it more taxing is that it's about child sexual abuse. Just having to go over the statistics I have printed up is enough to make you want to weep. Daily innocent children go through this. It's not only these simple factors that are turning my life upside down but also the "strange happenings" in the house picking up, the fact that I can't stop my mind from twirling and dancing around any and every thought, my book has once again fallen through as yet again, no time to accomplish such a huge task, and the feeling like every time I speak from my heart there is no one to listen to it.
I was told, "you want to change the world, and that just won't happen". But why not? What's wrong with wanting the world to be a better place and wanting people to love unconditionally and faithfully? Is it so bad to want the murder's, rapes, and self harm to stop? If you do a Google search for pain you literally will never see the end of it. It goes on and on and on. People from all over the world use the internet to stretch out and open their deepest worries in hopes that they might find someone going through the same thing or better yet, someone to give THEM hope. When we cry and feel deserted, that's what we go searching for...hope. Yet, so little of us find it. So what is wrong with wanting to be that person reaching back out to those who so desperately need it? If I didn't have children, I'd devote most of my time to helping any and everyone I can.
But here's the other delima: half of the time when I try to help, I end up getting used and abused by the one I'm "helping". They take advantage of me and everything I have offered to them instead of just being grateful. Other times, they never needed help to begin with and had horrible alterior motives (is that even how you say that?!). I've had women use my generosity and "niceness" to get money, get a ride, get a scapegoat, get to my man, etc... I'm noticing this comes more-so from women than men. I literally have a handful of girl friends who I trust. A few months ago, I was ready and willing to find and make new friends. Now, I'm perfectly happy with who is currently in my life and want it to stay that way.
I'm losing my will to help and my will to show hope still does exist. I honestly feel like I'm losing everything. I read in my book today (appropriate for Easter) that you have to fully accept God into your heart and love HIM unconditionally to love someone else. For he gave his only begotten son (you know the rest). This should be a very important lesson for all of us because I see soooo many who desperately want to find love, yet can't love the one who gave them life.
Amongst all of this pain that I've recently experienced, I'm still somehow holding on to hope. I HOPE everything will work out. I HOPE my crazy life will soon slow down a little and settle. I HOPE all of my nightmares won't come true. I HOPE I can accomplish everything I've promised to others and myself. But more so, I HOPE happiness will soon find me AND those closest to me. I've wept too much recently and ready for it to be over with.
I pray strongly right now for my friends and family, that they may find exactly what they've been praying for. Whether it be money, fidelity, honesty, good health, safe returns, new relationships, sanity, or simply to be able to wake up tomorrow smiling...I hope you all receive what is deep in your heart. Even the things you tell no one that you secretly need...God knows. And to me, that's all that matters. Just like you, God knows exactly what I need right now and I have full faith that very soon I will see the benefits of everything. I have a lot of love in my heart to give, so therefore: when you see me type "I love you all", don't think for one minute that I don't mean it. I don't have to have MET you to love you.
Goodnight all and God bless.
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