This past week has been absolutely dreadful. Full of screaming kids, fights, threats, anger, doubt, depression, hopeless feelings, a printer that I almost busted into a million pieces after fighting with it for two days, a few giggles and laughs, and more tears than I can count. I don't know what chain of events has led to this horrible state but I'm to the point where I'm wishing health insurance was available at the moment just so I could go get something...anything to take the mental pain and edge off. I'm more tired and cranky than ever. I'm finding it hard to smile and fake my irritation with people who are overly aggressive with their thoughts or actions and instead of just letting it go, I'm firing back with my honest opinion. If you know me at all, you know I USUALLY just agree to disagree and find it petty to argue with someone over something silly or stupid but I'm finding my voice a little stronger and more apt to just tell it like it is. This could end badly and could hurt some feelings but here's where I get honest in this blog: isn't it about time I quit trying to please everyone else and work on myself instead? I get so busy and wrapped up trying to help everyone else that I neglect myself. I do this literally all the time. Yet, when I do stand up and finally say I need someone to listen to me, I get called selfish. Hmmm...doesn't seem quite accurate does it? I got to the point where the person I chose to spill everything to was my mother yesterday. I laughed a little, cried a little, and even raised my voice at one point all while the sighed gently periodically and pretty much kept quiet just listening to me rant. If you know my mom, you know she's not the most understanding of people and it set in her ways and beliefs therefore she's not the easiest person to talk to about hard confusing issues but I found her to be overly quiet this time. I don't know if it's because she didn't know what to say, was afraid to say anything, or knew I just needed to get it all out. I got one response from her at the end of the conversation: "I can't say I understand because I've never gone through any of this but, I don't know how you're dealing with it. I don't know how you're surviving with this much on your plate." and all I could say was, "I don't know either." Between money problems, job problems (or lack there of), children, household chores that seem to multiply like rabbits when I turn my cheek, taking care of 3 dogs, two cats (and now two more b/c I took back Meghan and a kitten who's pretty much blind b/c I couldn't think of them going to the pound...hell, I'm running an animal shelter pretty much), cars turning to crap, ex family issues, Liza's first birthday coming up, Christmas, Matt's B-day, many health issues, and other deeply personal issues I can't discuss (literally) it's a wonder I get up in the morning. I'm guessing God must really need me if I'm still here at this point in my life. The interesting thing is, I've dealt with most of this all before. I've dealt with daily issues, family issues, marriage issues, child issues, money issues. I've been through "worse" than this in my past. I've witnessed death, I've been depressed since I was 14, I've lost friends, I've been used, I've seen ghosts, I've seen "spirits", I've seen demons, I've seen angels, I've even seen demons disguising themselves as humans, I've even seen and talked with my own personal guardian angel (think I'm kidding?), I've been neglected, I've been back handed, I've done drugs, I've been to jail (bet a lot of you didn't know that), I've been pregnant while living alone in an upstairs apartment on my own, I've been laughed at, I've been bullied and teased, I've been raped once to twice a week for approximately 8 months (I quit counting after the third month), I've been brain washed, I've been scared, and I've cried millions of times. (I know...that's a lot to take in for those of you who had no idea most of that happened) So why does it affect me so much now? Why did my knees literally collapse the other night in the middle of me weeping alone in my room while keeping my hands over my mouth to try to stifle the cries? I've never in my life collapsed to the floor while crying. I've never had my chest hurt as if someone was ripping out my lungs because I couldn't breathe from the tears falling faster than I could take. I've never had a problem looking in the mirror and sucking it up. I was taught to wipe them away, fix my hair and makeup, and walk out of that room like I simply had to hang up some clothes but this night, I couldn't. Every time I looked in the mirror to try to suck it up, another memory would flood my vision and it would start all over again. I wanted to scream - needed to scream but all I could produce for fear of being heard was a long silent scream. Pain and agony shot completely through my body. It was uncontrollable. So why? Why now after everything I've survived and been through am I finding it hard to cope with what's being handed to me? I figured it out today...because for once in my entire life, my heart...my WHOLE heart is involved. I've always been distant. I've always stayed a few paces away so I could run when I needed to. I've lied and said I cared and loved but I didn't, I only half'd it. But not now. It's all or nothing at this point. I don't know why at this point in my life every agony from my past is showing its ugly head and giving me no choice but to deal with it but I do know that's just it...I have no choice. I also know that other's don't understand. Heck, at this point I don't expect them to. But I do know that when God called me to write this book I giggled and said reluctantly okay but now I see that after years and years of hiding myself, hiding my pain, hiding my life, and only getting as close to people as much as they needed me to be that now I'm ready. I'm ready to break down the walls I painstakingly put up brick by brick. I'm ready to tell the truth about what's happened. I'm ready for people to understand ME and why I act the way I do. But more so, I'm ready to tell this story to the person who's just like me and to be able to say to them, you can get through it too. Because I know that MOST people will not go through every thing I've gone through much less at the same time but I know MOST people will go through at least one of those things and that's the people who need this. So I'm "saying" it out loud. This book is NOT for me. This book is NOT for fame. This book is NOT for me to get rich (even though that would be quite lovely lol). I don't care if I don't make a dime from it...it NEEDS to be told. After all, we all know, when God says jump...my dears you need to jump! Don't laugh and walk away like I did in the past or you may just find yourself writing a blog much similar to this one day in your future. As for me and my present life...I don't know how I'm going to fix it or what's going to happen tomorrow but I do know I will still get up and do my chores, take care of my kids, feed and clean up after all 7 of my annoying pets, pay bills that I don't have money to pay for, cook, clean, and smile at least once...even though it may hurt to because just as teens and adults need this book...my kids need me and I will NOT let them down.

Grow Tough Roots Among The Rocks

“For a tree to become tall it must grow tough roots among the rocks.” -Friedrich Nietzsche

**Update: I know the music player is new. Don't shut it off. It serves a purpose for this blog I promise.



I've had several people say to me lately, "I'm so mad at God!" or "God doesn't care about me." and I have to admit, last night I found myself losing a little hope in the world around me, but the ride home today got me really thinking about it all. It's so easy for us to blame God or to get frustrated/mad/disappointed/etc. in Him but he made us...that in itself should be enough for us to rejoice and celebrate in yet, as humans, we tend to only turn to him when we need something. We drop to our knees in a heartbeat when everything falls apart relying on the fact that he is the only one who can change things. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you should never call upon him but frankly, I'm seeing too much of this during these horrible times and not enough of "thank you".

I, myself, have fallen to the fates of the world and haven't had "time" to read the bible or worship him in the way I should. Truth of the matter is, I'm running out of steam all together. It seems that every turn I take, something is trailing behind me and worse, catching up. I think I've cried more and harder than I have in years over the past few days/nights. I'm noticing that I'm falling back into my pattern of sucking it all in and hiding from everyone. I want to talk to someone, but find it much easier to just separate myself from others and wait until my feelings of hurt and doubt pass. On another hand, I wouldn't know where to begin if someone sat down and said, "talk". I'd probably just laugh instead. I've had a few step forward recently and ask if there was anything I wanted to talk about and I just shut down as soon as they said something. Truth? I wanted to scream, cry, shake, and ask question after question and even though all of this was happening in my head at the same time...I found myself only shrugging and saying I didn't have anything to talk about.

This is a defense mechanism that I picked up long ago. I've found that the things that go on around me and much more in my head (thoughts), no one seems to believe, doesn't want to hear, or decides to instead criticize for thinking the way I do. If I were to actually ever get up the courage or be able to put into words what all is actually going on with me and in me, I'd probably make the other person either break into tears or run away screaming.

I can honestly say that I've tried to talk to a few recently about certain things that are going on that I'd rather not make public but I've either gotten no response or a head nod. I'm going to tell you all a little secret...when someone decides to open their mouth to say something to you, even if it's bad...it's not a good idea to start talking about yourself or to ignore them. Just sayin'...

But all of this is besides the point. My point is, even though I feel like I'm crawling on the floor and something is stepping on my back to keep me from getting up, I'm still HOPEFUL. Read that again (don't worry, I'll wait).

I don't know myself how anything is going to get fixed or where I'm going to go from here but I know I'll go somewhere! And so will you. Go ahead, call on God but just know that he doesn't HAVE to do anything. I may never understand or know why he picks and chooses like he does but I have to hold on to hope that there IS a reason all of this is happening. And when there's no one else to listen to you, write me. I may not have any answers that you want to hear. Heck, I may not have ANYTHING to say back to you, and that might just be what you need. But I can promise to be there with you/for you/behind you. I may not understand what you're going through, but how will you know until you try?

And yes, I'm listening every time someone tells me that I can come to them if I need to, and one day I might. But when I do, don't laugh at me. Don't tell me it's stupid or that I'm lying. Don't push me away and ignore me when I talk but frankly...at the point I'm currently at, I'd rather not say a single word and deal with it on my own than to be ignored, shunned, or put down by any means. The past few nights, I've waited until the children were asleep and just sat outside by myself because I needed to. I needed to sit in silence with no T.V., no phone, no distractions and just calm down. I'm trying desperately not to show it but rage is building so heavily that sometimes all I can do is cry (and if you know me at all, you'll know that I HATE to cry in front of people).

So enough of me...back to YOU. I know for a FACT that several people I'm close to (and not close to) are going through some of the worst times of their lives. It all seems to coincide with one another (probably for a reason) and you are getting overwhelmed. I understand this more than you know. You're feeling as if you can't breath, can't swallow. You feel like your legs are going to give out at any minute (and they probably have already at some point recently). You're tired of crying behind closed doors, and you're tired of smiling to others doing your best to make them think you're happy. Here's a hard break of reality for you: THEY KNOW. They know it's fake. They know your smile isn't real. They know you are breaking down from the pressure. They know much more than you're giving them credit for. Instead of lying to them and making that other person feel worse than they already do, just say "No, I'm not okay but I WILL be!" The more you tell this to others, the more you will start to believe it. Now, say a prayer (doesn't have to be out loud). If you don't know how to pray or where to start just say this-- "Lord, I have NO idea what I'm doing. I'm falling faster every day and feel like I can't get back up. I NEED you. But more so, I LOVE you and THANK YOU for everything you've done for me and given to me. Because without YOU I wouldn't have ANY of the things I have today."

Cry if you have to. Scream if you have to. Punch a dog if you have to (kidding on that one...made you smile a little though right?) Do whatever it takes to stand back up, even if for just a little while. And just know that while you're struggling to find a way through the thick vines...so am I. You're never alone, even if you think you are. I can't quote scripture to you, heck, I don't know a single verse by heart but I can tell you that there is a REASON for all of this. What that is...I have no idea but we'll find it out eventually. Until then...grow your roots.

God bless

It's Been A While

My mind has been elsewhere other than blogging. Truth is, life kinda fell apart recently. Everything that I had grown to love and hold dear quickly started to slip away. Not only family and friends but also dreams and aspirations. I feel at times like I'm cornered with all of the things on my to do list. I feel like I have taken on a little too much. Not only the daily care of the family and pets, but also school (which is quickly becoming non-existent) and also a video project I promised. It's not that I don't want to do it, it's that I'm finding it hard to get the time. Not to mention that my original plan for the video itself fell through. What makes it more taxing is that it's about child sexual abuse. Just having to go over the statistics I have printed up is enough to make you want to weep. Daily innocent children go through this. It's not only these simple factors that are turning my life upside down but also the "strange happenings" in the house picking up, the fact that I can't stop my mind from twirling and dancing around any and every thought, my book has once again fallen through as yet again, no time to accomplish such a huge task, and the feeling like every time I speak from my heart there is no one to listen to it.

I was told, "you want to change the world, and that just won't happen". But why not? What's wrong with wanting the world to be a better place and wanting people to love unconditionally and faithfully? Is it so bad to want the murder's, rapes, and self harm to stop? If you do a Google search for pain you literally will never see the end of it. It goes on and on and on. People from all over the world use the internet to stretch out and open their deepest worries in hopes that they might find someone going through the same thing or better yet, someone to give THEM hope. When we cry and feel deserted, that's what we go searching for...hope. Yet, so little of us find it. So what is wrong with wanting to be that person reaching back out to those who so desperately need it? If I didn't have children, I'd devote most of my time to helping any and everyone I can.

But here's the other delima: half of the time when I try to help, I end up getting used and abused by the one I'm "helping". They take advantage of me and everything I have offered to them instead of just being grateful. Other times, they never needed help to begin with and had horrible alterior motives (is that even how you say that?!). I've had women use my generosity and "niceness" to get money, get a ride, get a scapegoat, get to my man, etc... I'm noticing this comes more-so from women than men. I literally have a handful of girl friends who I trust. A few months ago, I was ready and willing to find and make new friends. Now, I'm perfectly happy with who is currently in my life and want it to stay that way.

I'm losing my will to help and my will to show hope still does exist. I honestly feel like I'm losing everything. I read in my book today (appropriate for Easter) that you have to fully accept God into your heart and love HIM unconditionally to love someone else. For he gave his only begotten son (you know the rest). This should be a very important lesson for all of us because I see soooo many who desperately want to find love, yet can't love the one who gave them life.

Amongst all of this pain that I've recently experienced, I'm still somehow holding on to hope. I HOPE everything will work out. I HOPE my crazy life will soon slow down a little and settle. I HOPE all of my nightmares won't come true. I HOPE I can accomplish everything I've promised to others and myself. But more so, I HOPE happiness will soon find me AND those closest to me. I've wept too much recently and ready for it to be over with.

I pray strongly right now for my friends and family, that they may find exactly what they've been praying for. Whether it be money, fidelity, honesty, good health, safe returns, new relationships, sanity, or simply to be able to wake up tomorrow smiling...I hope you all receive what is deep in your heart. Even the things you tell no one that you secretly need...God knows. And to me, that's all that matters. Just like you, God knows exactly what I need right now and I have full faith that very soon I will see the benefits of everything. I have a lot of love in my heart to give, so therefore: when you see me type "I love you all", don't think for one minute that I don't mean it. I don't have to have MET you to love you.

Goodnight all and God bless.

The laws of the late night bar

So what's with my recent status? There's a lot involved when I quote my dad's words and I was one to prove why his words were so true during my late teen/early 20 years but the story I will tell here is a recent prime example of why I believe everyone should abide by that simple rule.

This weekend we went to Baja's like we do from time to time to hear live bands and get a few drinks. This time a friend of ours came out with us. Him and his wife just found out they are pregnant after a long battle with miscarriages and I could not be happier for the both of them. His wife said she was simply too tired to go out (understandable) but said he could. She just said that he couldn't stay out until 3 am (also understandable). So he meets us there, we grab some drinks and head to the pool tables. Now, I don't shoot pool. I'm not good at it, don't fully understand it, and realllllly don't feel like showing everyone around me how bad I truly am at it so instead I choose to sit and watch whoever is playing. I really enjoy that down time of not worrying who's looking at me and if I need to suck in my stomach or check my hair, yada yada. So the festivities start. After a while of playing each other, someone else comes up and puts money on the table (just found out that means they want to play next). So Matt and our friend finish up their game and the next couple comes up. This story can get really long unless I skip ahead a bit so...

After a few hours a man and two interestingly dressed girls (I say this b/c it looked like they were freshly 21) come to the table ready to play the guys. But instead they wanted it to be 3 on 3. I announced that I don't play pool (nicely I might add) and the dark headed girl shouts out rudely, "What the fuck?" or something along those lines and I just got up and walked my happy butt to the bar to get a refil instead of dealing with some hot headed girl who was mad b/c I wouldn't play pool with them. While up there, someone knocks into my shoulder. K...it happens all the time, especially at a bar so as I turn around I (as nicely as I can) say, "Oh! I'm sorry!" even though they knocked into me and who do I see, the dark headed pissed off girl. She looks right at me with an "eat shit and die look" and says, "psh, yeah." and trots behind the bar. Mr. Bar Tender didn't like that much and shooed her out but of course she got pissed at that as well and knocked into me once again, this time I literally watched her throw her shoulder into mine. Deep breath...let it go. I had to laugh a little b/c the whole thing was so juvineille. During these few minutes that I was at the bar, I was hit on by two men, one as soon as he saw my ring told me to have a nice night and joined his friends, the other kept talking so instead of me wasting my time I simply walked away from the loser.

So back to the pool tables I go and see the dark headed girl and her blonde friend giving me the stink eye (whatever) and generally being all over each other. I'm guessing they thought it was hot and that the guys I was with wouldn't give a rats butt tail about me and want to be with them. Tip girls: just b/c you act like a slut...that doesn't mean guys will flock to you. Hell the guy you were WITH wasn't paying a bit of attention to you. Once they noticed no one was ready to head to the bathroom to get their next disease from them (k...don't know they had a disease...just saying) they trotted off to the dance floor and left the guy to finish up the game. The rest of the night, I got a few more across the room death stares which I didn't respond to at all besides smiling a little.

Then in walks BARBIE!!!! Yeah, no lie. The woman literally looked like she dedicated her life (and her husbands wallet) to become a life size Barbie doll. I must admit, she was very pretty (could use a little more work on her overly puffy crooked lips if she REALLY wanted to be Barbie) but watching her attitude ruined every fantasy I had of the child's toy. With her was her husband, we later found out was a dentist (oh btw...she was probably in her late 20's...he had to have been in his 50's) and their friends, a dark headed girl (20 something) with her nose turned in the air and her boyfriend, also 50's who was a lawyer. There wasn't any issue for quite a while until they stole the guys table. No waiting there, they just took it. Wow Barbie, I know you don't have a brain in that plastic head of yours but you could use your eyes to see what's going on. Oh, but I forgot...they were ABOVE us common folk ;-) and they proved that they felt that way.

Skipping ahead again, dark headed barbie friend w/ the lawyer old foggie boyfriend decides to play a game of pool with our friend since Matt when to the bar to refill. From my point of view at first, it looked like they were hitting on each other, heads close together, our friend laughing, her strutting when she walked past him and bending way too far over. I also thought this was the reason why her boyfriend looked so pissed. Welllllll, come to find out....yes, she was flirting...but our friend....dogging the shit out of her and her boyfriend. She missed a shot at one point and he even said to the b/f, "I think you need to fire your intern", looked at her, looked at me and started busting out laughing. So, there's the first point...has to look right or people get the wrong idea.

I go to the bar to check on Matt, I see a girl tugging on his arm (not his shirt, literally fingers wrapped around his bicep). Ummm....no? I know how girls are...especially at a bar (and any female will back me up on this one) so I, without wanting to start shit with her or get in her face just simply grab his arm myself and slide right in between the two of them with my back turned to her. Pretty much to say, get the point, he's taken. So after a while, Barbie and her groupies decide they've had enough of our friends taunts and they go back to the other table but before they go...Barbie swips our quarters right off of our table. Nice huh? Not like your husband doesn't have enough money already. I wanted to say something, the friend didn't really care.

Skipping ahead a little more: drinks spilled on my phone (my pride and joy). I had to take the battery out so I could clean it all. My stupid behind forgets to actually turn the phone back on (wouldn't have mattered anyways, the battery was dangerously low to begin with). I see our friend check his phone a few times, hit a button and put it back in his pocket. Don't think anything of it or what time it was for that matter. All of a sudden, the lights come on and last call is announced. Time flies huh? Matt goes to close out our tab, our friend darts off and I'm sitting in the corner all alone (poor me haha j/k). Barbie and her friends take this opportunity to start making jokes and laughing. I guess they really were scared b/c they waited until the guys were away from me. Be scared chicks....be scared. ;-) I'd had enough of it and knew it was time to leave anyways so I walk up front to see the first blond girl (the one making out with the angry brunette) and my husband talking. Matt was leaning over to her, talking in her ear and she was laughing away. Hell no that didn't look right. Our friend, who was looking the other way saw me, turned to see what I was looking at and leaned to me and said, "What the fuck??" I shrugged my shoulders and was getting pissed off b/c I knew exactly why she was talking to him (payback's a bitch huh?). Come to find out, she hit on both of them and Matt was telling her that he was married...which is why she laughed. Should have smacked-a-ho right there. Next time dear...next time.

So again...didn't look right. Wellllllllll, we get to the car and our friends phone rings. He freaks out b/c it's his wife and it is now after 3 am - close to 4. I told him I would take the blame b/c I was supposed to be watching the time and had just realized that my phone was still off. Matt says he'll take the blame too. He says she's on her way up there b/c she doesn't believe he's where he says he is. I felt really bad for him b/c I watched him all night push every girl away and he even said, "Why would I want her when I have a wife and new baby on the way at home?" Nice point. Loved hearing there is some fidelity left in the world.

She arrives, Matt tries to talk to her, I hear her yelling at her husband, he leans down and says, "Sarah please...please go talk to her." (almost in tears). Okey doke....problem...couldn't get the damn car door open!!! No...it wasn't b/c I was drunk, there's no door handle and you have to open it a certain way which wasn't working while I was trying to hurry and get out. FINALLY, I get it open, step out and walk up to her car just to simply tell her that I was the one keeping track of time and what happened. I was even going to tell her she could be mad at me b/c I reallllllly felt bad for him! I knew it was about to ruin any friendship I'd been trying to develop with her. She sped off so fast that literally, she came within a foot of running my own foot over! Thatttttt pissed me off! Just because you're mad at your husband, don't take it out on me!

We follow him home just to make sure he gets there okay, Matt tries to talk to the wife again (didn't think that was a good idea). All he got was a, "get the fuck out." so oh well, we tried right??

Come to find out...she called him over four times and he wouldn't answer. I literally witnessed it and didn't even realize that's why he was pulling his phone out, hitting silent, and putting it back up. Also found out that this happens a lot. So, do I feel bad now? Nope. Good thing I didn't take the blame.

So even though he honestly didn't do anything "bad" besides stay out too late....it sure as hell didn't look right to his wife, and in her mind, that's all that matters right now. So I say again, it not only has to be right, it has to look right. Walk away from the flirters, stay true to your gut, and remember that someone is ALWAYS watching you. This is how rumors start. So ladies and gentlemen...abide by the laws of the bar when you go out, or you just might be the one in the dog house next time!

Dreams

I was asked last night to write another blog because she loves to read them. I was blown back by that comment and utterly surprised that anyone pays enough attention to me to actually not only read something I post but look forward to it. I thought about it all night, trying to figure out what to write about. There are TONS of things I could find to discuss and put my two cents in but nothing really jumped out enough to be something I'd want to take the time to sit and put into words but then it hit me. As I drove my husband to work this morning I started to think about him and how he's pursuing a dream that he's had for a very long time. He has an audition with a band tomorrow (which I'm thrilled to be able to take part in and watch) and as much stress as this will put on our family I'm fully supporting him on this. I've never been one to squash dreams so why should I start now? Sure, that will mean more alone time, more responsibility put on me to take care of the children alone, and more trust when he does a show without me being there. I've been around the block a few times when it comes to rock bands and I know how groupie's work and who they mainly go after...the frontman. Most women/girls don't go to rock shows for the reasons I go. They don't actually care about the music and only care about the alcohol and "cute boys" that they can play with. Hell, if the lead singer of a band wants to hang out with you, that must mean you've got it goin' on right? Hmm...wrong. I go for the sheer delight in the music. The rumble in my chest. The flashing lights. The sweat rolling off of each individual on stage working their hardest to give the show of their lives. I love watching the drumsticks flash in front of your face like they are pieces of spaghetti, the bassist and guitarists fingers working up and down the frets like it's no work at all and the singer belting out notes that give you goosebumps. But I realize that I'm one of the few who are that interested in what they are doing.

In the middle of all of this thinking about how fantastic it is that he is pursuing this endeavor, I quickly realized that all of my dreams and aspirations have fizzled. Let's see if I can remember the list of things I wanted to be/do:
- A veterinarian (got halfway with that one by becoming a vet technician but am not technically one now)
- A trapeze artist
- A barrel racer (has to do with horses and rodeo's)
- An ice skater
- A gymnast
- A ballerina
- A tiger trainer (never even gotten close to one of these beautiful animals) :(
- An artist
- A songwriter (ok...so I've technically written a few songs but they are stuck up in a folder somewhere doing absolutely nothing so that doesn't really count)
- An interior designer
- and the biggest one of all: A lead singer in a band


I have done nothing. I don't have anything to show for my lifetime of hardships, downfalls, and failures. I don't have any awards. I don't have any trophies or ribbons. I don't have any pictures of fantastic events. I don't have crowds shouting my name or even more than a handful of people who even really know me or know of me. I don't even have any visible scars to go along with my stories. The only thing I have to show for any pain I've gone through is my two beautiful children. My live revolves around my family and that's that. But I can not claim that as some fantastic feat that no one else can do. Millions of women have babies and thousands have rough pregnancies just like I did. There's nothing special in that. The only thing I have to succeed in is my novel and I don't even claim that as my dream. That's God's vision, his project, his work, and his outcome. I'm just the tool being used to create it. I still have no idea why I'm being used for something that is supposed to be as huge and great as this but I gladly take it. Even so, I haven't worked on it since I got pregnant with Liza. I find excuse after excuse not to work on it. All of the ideas are there and the story is already set into place...it's just typing it all out and finding the time to complete it.

So as far as dreams, I haven't completed a single one. If an angel came to me and said, "God is granting you one dream that you will be able to succeed in...pick one." I wouldn't be able to. I'm not good at any of those things and even though I'm not the WORST singer in the world, the stage fright in itself is paralyzing and would hinder any ability that I have. So, I choose instead to sit on the sideline and play the mommy role while I watch others around me follow their dreams and push through the pain. So, the next time you come up with a new dream or aspiration that you'd like to achieve, think of those who are standing behind or beside you, pushing you along, and rooting you on. Those are the one's who will still be there if you fail at your task. They won't really care if you "make it" or not. They were just happy to be along for the ride.

As for me, that's exactly how I feel. I love watching Josh Rowe go onstage and sing his heart out, I love watching Jessa Motte line her camera settings just right to get that one good photograph that will stop you in your tracks, I love watching (and tasting!) Anna Godley's fantastic food creations and attending her parties that she puts so much love and effort into, and I love watching my husband sit and ponder the next big feat he will take on. If it's singing then I'll cheer him on. If it's his pirate theme park (only a few people will understand this one) then, I'll help come up with plans. If it's the bar, then I'll help set up flyers and website's. Bottom line, I will follow and do what I can to help others succeed, probably because I know I will never go after any dreams of my own. But with that being said...that doesn't mean I don't have them and don't think about them every day.

I promise to encourage my kids to follow their dreams and their hearts. "Don't be like me," is something they will hear a good bit and learn to hate :) But at least I know somewhere down the line they will be happy that they didn't turn out like mom did and have a fulfilling life and smile in the delight that their mother was along for the entire journey. And that...is my biggest dream...just to be able to smile and say that I was along for the ride that other's went on. Just to know that I was loved enough to be included in what they were doing is enough for me.

To everyone out there right now doing what they love and striving for what they dream...I applaud you and if you need anything, you know who you can turn to for support.

Love you all

Relaxation is KEY

See this girl?

Yep, that's me. Or I suppose I should say, was. A woman feeling much like a child, at the end of her marriage, hiding behind fake laughs and bright hair just hoping no one would see the true pain in her eyes. It was a horrible time filled with many questions and doubts. But something amazing happened...I began to climb the ladder back up. The pain staking process of trying to start back over and somehow find happiness in a world that was falling apart was anything but easy but somehow, with the grace of God, I managed to make it where I am today.

For the first time in two months, I am able to sit back and enjoy the night without having to worry about what time the baby is going to wake me up for her nightly feedings. I don't have to keep the music down to a certain level (or the T.V. for that matter), and I'm able to just...breathe. I LOVE my daughter but as any mother knows, breaks are greatly appreciated. So to be able to finally relax; Let's just say it feels amazing. But it is giving me time to think back on how it was after Alex was born. It was one of the most stressful times in my life but still one of the most joyous and I thank God everyday for everything I've ever gone through. Still to see that picture of me with the bright red hair hurts. I realize there is still so much that I simply have tried to push to the side and haven't brought up or completely gotten over what happened. And that my friends is a problem. In due time, everything that went on during my marriage will be resolved but it will never be forgotten. It's important to look back and see what you've gone through in order to grow and mature. And I do believe, weekends like this where you get to spend time with family and friends and RELAX is just the thing everyone needs to get past whatever it is that they are facing.

So I'm DEMANDING that you take it easy this weekend :) Just tell 'em I said so!

Love you all

"I'd rather see them..."

I wondered a month or so ago where they went, why I couldn't see them, and if I was finally free of the torment I had experienced since nine but then that idea came to a crashing halt two days ago. The first time the darkish figure was seen was almost non-existent. It darted past the kitchen doorway as I turned around to put up the mayonnaise. I quickly put the thought out of my head and continued with making lunch. The next time, it flashed down the hallway and towards my bedroom. In one day it was spotted over fifteen times and each time it would quickly go out of view once it was noticed or peeked around the corner at me. There's another who doesn't seem to mind being noticed as much and as I type this I can see it's face periodically in between the two doors dividing the front room from the living room which are, at this moment, partly opened. And yet, another is in the kitchen. But the worst of all was two nights ago when I was laying down in the bed about to fall asleep.

I had just laid down in the bed while Matthew was up taking care of Liza. I snuggled up under the covers and shifted the comforter until it covered my head. Even with the warmth coming from my body, the chill in the room was massive and a shiver forced the bumps on my skin to raise. The floor near the door creaked and it moved very slowly to the side of the bed that Matt usually lays on. Sugar and Spice, my two ragdoll cats had jumped off of the bed about five minutes before so I assumed it was them walking around or perhaps Matt getting ready for bed. I ignored the sound and tried my best to drift off to sleep but once I heard breathing coming from some source directly in front of me sleep quickly darted away from me. I waited for what seemed like an eternity for Matt to climb into bed considering the footsteps and breathing could only be explained as him but once several minutes passed and he never did climb in, curiosity got the best of me. Thinking that for some reason he might be standing beside the bed watching the T.V. I pulled the covers off of my head to find absolutely nothing. No Matt, no kitties, not a soul was there and immediately the breathing sound stopped. I must admit...that one took me back.

Now you would think that after witnessing things like this on a weekly basis since the age of nine that I would be used to it and therefore not scared but I still to this day get a little shaken up when something like that happens. A loud voice out of the blue, a touch on my body (or worse...a slap and even a cut), and coming face to face with one right as you open the bathroom door to step out all chill me to the core but then I have to remember why they are here.

For those of you who know me already, then you know what they are...but for those of you who don't then let me clear this up. Demons. There is no way to sugar coat that or make some fantastic analogy about what they are. It's very plain and simple. They can disguise themselves very well and have done so for years but at this point, the disguises don't seem to work on me and therefore they don't seem to try that tactic much.

After much contemplation on why they are suddenly back around I've come to a harsh realization. When I'm "right with God" and on the right path, the one that God wants me to be on...they are visible, yet when I'm off track and doing everything but what I'm supposed to be doing, they seem to just fade away. So why do the demons do this back and forth act? Well, let me ask you this...why would they bother with destroying your life if they already have you in their grasp?

When you are on God's side, demons want you on theirs so they will do anything to tear you apart and make you lose hope. Remember that word, "hope" because it is the first thing to go when someone's life doesn't turn out like they want or when something goes wrong. Once hope is lost, everything else falls shortly after yet for some reason, hope is one of the last things we get back even though it should be the first. I've watched helplessly as so many people around me are losing everything, including their minds. They are slowly sliding down this slope that is leading them to disaster and even though they are trying their best, it just doesn't seem to be enough. Devoted church-goers that truly believe are still feeling like something is terribly wrong in their lives. And as much as I would love to be able to say it's all one specific thing...each person has a different demon clutching on to their shoulder and whispering uncertainties into their ears (see the relation between all of this now?).

Just because you are not "blessed" to be able to see them like I can and like so many others can, that does NOT mean that they are not there! I've actually heard from some people that they wish they could see them like I can but I always look at them like they are crazy. Even though I would not change a thing in my life, I do admit that this feels like a heavy burden after a while and sometimes it's better not to see what they look like or to know they are there breathing down your neck and just waiting for you to make that one little mistake.

But I say once again...these demons work much harder when you are doing something RIGHT. Did you read that?? WHEN YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT. Of COURSE your LIFE will be easier if you stay on the devil's side of the track. Why do you think so many "bad" people get off easy when they do something wrong or worse, never get caught? The devil already has them...he has no desire to work to get them at that point. It's the good ones he wants. He NEEDS them on his side and does everything he can to make them believe that God is not real or worse...does not care. Not true my friends. Satan takes on many faces, forms, and lies right to your face.

So how do you stay away from all of these lies? Pray. It's very simple. Stay away from temptation (not saying that anyone is perfect and yes, God COMPLETELY knows and understands that). But we MUST try our best every day to be the best person that we can be not only to ourselves but to others. Selfless acts of kindness.

Back to the matter at hand. I welcome them "haunting" me and doing their best to devour me because at that moment I know that I'm doing something right. So I say to you, the next time you are scared and feeling like something is staring you right in the face or following you, ready to dart out and scare the living heckles out of you...just smile and know that you are on the right path.

And please never never forget...even though you may not be able to see/hear/feel demons like me, that does NOT mean they are not there. Just pray and smile. Keep that hope alive in your life and don't hesitate to talk to those around you about what's going on. You just might be surprised at who turns out to have your back when everything falls apart.

I love you all, and God bless.

New Year's Change

Every time I attempt to start writing this particular blog, a few sentences into it I hit a block and can't seem to write anymore. Is it because my mind wanders somewhere else or it could be that it is not the message I need to broadcast today? So many issues ran through my head that I wanted to write about that have happened to me personally (drugs, jail, rape, attempted suicide, cheating, abusive relationships, failed marriage, children, sex, porn, and demons just to name a few) but as I look at that long incomplete list I see nothing good in those words. If I see nothing good then how would anyone reading this? Does it matter that I learned something really important from having to go through each of those instances? After my six year old son very rudely made a comment in front of my best friend the other day pretty much saying he didn't care that I busted my butt to clean the house, I watched as he quietly carried out his punishment of sweeping the front porch. After he thought he was finished and that he had done a good job, I had him sit down and watch as I showed him the "right" way to sweep and he saw how much he missed. I proceeded to explain that when we don't think about what we are doing or what we are saying at the time could really effect someone even if you apologize.

I stopped sweeping, glanced over my shoulder at my son swinging his legs back and forth dangling from the chair and intently watching what I was doing. I sighed, leaned back against the railing, and said, "If someone slapped you in the face and then turned around and said they were sorry...would it still hurt?"

His reply was a very loud, "Yeah!"

"Why would it still hurt?" I asked.

"Because they slapped me!"

I had to giggle a little before I explained, "Just because you say you are sorry after you do something bad or say something mean doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt that other person."

My eyebrow raised as I watched his expression to see if he was really listening to what I was saying.

"Oh! I get it!" he announced.

We continued the speech and I gave a few more examples and ultimately brought up how life used to be when his father and I were still together. For the first time we talked about what exactly happened (even though a few really disturbing details were left out mainly because I didn't feel a six year old could handle hearing it) and we started to heal from the process.

It seemed that when we talked about it, it made it easier for me to deal with. For me, personally, I'd rather just forget it ever happened and not tell a soul what really went on behind closed doors (and that's for any situation...not just my failed marriage). I'm seeing now that it is not always the best way to handle things. Even though I'm not ready to shout out to the world through a megaphone what all I have experienced, been through, and seen I do know that these baby steps are doing a world of good not only for me, but for others who just might be going through what I went through right now. God allowed these things to happen to me so I could not only be a stronger individual but also so I could help others realize they are not alone in their journey much like I thought I was.

I used to go with the motto of if you were forgiven for what you had done that you could forget about it and move on but I'm finding that is not true for the project I am working on right now (I'd rather remain silent about that one). In due time everything will be revealed and people will know the truth. Whether they choose to believe it or not is up to them.

God wants us to plant the seed of truth among our friends and family but it is NOT up to us to make the seed grow. Only He can do that. So once again I say to you: If I told you it was all true, would you believe me?

Your faith can continue to grow every day and you can learn new things and ways of handling tough situations but ONLY if you LET IT! What good is continuing to stick your hand in the tiger's cage if you never learn that it's painful and to quit doing it?

As for me, my cuts from my past and a present issues are deep and they are slowly healing but as with any gash, it will not be done over night. I've seen who will stick around during those times and who won't and the biggest lesson of the day for me was to stop getting angry at those individuals who are OBVIOUSLY lost in this world and instead, pray for them. Even though the sight of someone can make your stomach churn because you can tell exactly who that person is by glancing in their eyes you need to bless them. Only then can both of your lives begin to change and grow. Only then can God help you both and hey, you never know, you maybe just be lucky enough to see their transformation. Don't cut yourself short.

Don't confuse blessing someone and being nice to them with putting yourself in harm's way. If you know a plane is going to crash and burn...why would you willingly put yourself on that plane? Same for people. If you KNOW something they are doing is wrong, immoral, or not something that looks right...why would you associate yourself with them? In that instance, anything that happens to you is just as much your fault as it is theirs.

Be wise in this world...not blind and dumb.

I love you all and please in this upcoming year...be careful. More and more is going to try to come at you and knock you off your feet. DON'T LET IT. Stand strong and in the Lord and nothing can touch you. God bless you all. Love you.

-Sarah

2010 Fair Happenings and Disappointments

So here we are, 34 weeks pregnant and nearing the end of the tunnel! Since the cooler air (well...80's seems to be as cool as we're getting here) is coming into play it's the perfect time to visit the fair. Matt and I went (just the two of us) the other day and have a fun filled day of seeing all the sites, oogling the livestock, watching a frisbee-catching dog show, and even getting to hold a snake (never thought I would actually have the opportunity to do that!)

It was all fun except for the clown that Matt decided he wanted to stop and look at. I don't think he actually realized just how terrified of clowns I was until he looked back and I was taking baby steps towards him. I honestly felt like crying as I was walking towards the barrier between the clown and I so I could get a look at him. Once I saw him I was pleased that he wasn't one of these flashy make-up, fake hair clowns but he looked more like the 'ol-timey bum's and I was still able to see his face through his make-up. I admit, it was neat seeing him pretend he was a robotic clown and he was very good but for some reason I couldn't get over that paralyzing fear of being that close to one (honestly we weren't even close at all lol). I felt silly and stupid for being scared of something that little kids were walking up to and smiling at. I guess it is pretty sad that I'd rather be in the company of a gigantic snake than a man dressed in costume. But all in all it was a beautiful day and a very loving time for us newlyweds. I tried my best to ignore the fact that every part of my preggo body hurt once we got home and instead looked forward to being able to take Alex later in the week.

For those of you who do not have access to the South Carolina State Fair or have not been able to attend this year, let me point out a few bonuses for our family this go 'round.

First: They are celebrating military appreciation and all active military and their families (with proper military ID) get in free, which means Matt and I got in free both times we went. Also, they were celebrating the boy scouts 100th anniversary so any boyscout dressed in their Class A uniforms got in free (so there...we all got in free!) Now, all the other times Alex has had some sort of opportunity to ride rides, he has always chickened out and sometimes cried b/c he was so scared but thankfully this time he agreed to at least try to ride on the slow-moving train. THANKFULLY, he loved it and couldn't wait to see what else he could ride!

It seemed that he couldn't get enough of the rides and even agreed to ride the fast-paced dragon (which he ended up not liking at all, but I was so proud that he tried it!). The boy scout exhibit was amazing and Alex loved seeing all it had to offer and it seemed to make him proud to be a part of the boy scouts.

Now that all of that is out of the way, you would think there would be at least one thing supporting our troops at the fair (since they were celebrating military appreciation) but the only thing that was there was a very small table next to the local Christian radio station's WMHK booth that had a few postcards laid out for you to sign to send oversea's to our men and women. I jumped at the opportunity to show my love and support to someone else in the military as I know how much it means to us when someone says something warm or nice and I quickly filled out the card and placed it in the box. I noticed no one was at the table so I saw some stickers laid out beside the box saying something along the lines of "I supported our troops" or something like that. I assumed those were handed out to everyone who signed a card so I tore one off for Alex and proceeded to tear one off for myself since, after all I had just filled out a card. About that time someone came around the corner and started speaking to Matt. I couldn't hear much of what he said besides (in a very hasty tone) "Did you fill out a card?" Matt replied, "My wife just did." I looked up and replied, "Yep! I just put it in the box." and smiled at the man but he just stared at me ripping off a sticker like I was doing something wrong. It honestly seemed that he didn't believe that I had and I was just going around the fair stealing people's stickers *rolls eyes*. I noticed Matt's tone was not very pleasant sounding and upon arrival back at home I found out that the snobby man never once told Matt thank you for his service or anything nice along those lines. As a matter of fact, only ONE person came up to him that whole night and said thank you. It's not like he was in civilian clothes and no one knew he was in the military. He had on his full ACU uniform and beret and I had on my dog tags and my I Love My Soldier tag, so there was no excuse for no one noticing. More people ooh'ed and aah'ed over Alex's uniform than Matt's.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my son and am very proud of him being a part of the Boy Scout's but for goodness sakes, he's not risking his life to protect us. Matt on the other hand is and we know at any second he could be called oversea's. I was appalled that everyone there seemed to be more concerned with which ride to ride next, or which overly fattening food to shove down their throats than to take one second to walk up and simply say, "thank you for your service". For a military wife...this is my life. Everything we do revolves around the Army. Thoughts of war and sacrifice run through my mind everyday and it's not something that will go away. Nor do I want it to. I WANT to be reminded of the sacrifice that millions before us have provided just so we can do all the things we enjoy doing today. I am very proud to be a part of this nation's military and even though I turn a little sheepish when someone comes up to ME and tells me thank you, I feel honored when someone says it to Matt. In my opinion, I'm just along for the ride. I never considered the fact that our family is sacrificing as well and have had that pointed out to me several times.

Several months ago I actually had someone stop me at my car and point to my window stickers that say "I love my soldier" and "Proud National Guard Family" and the man said, "Thank you for your service and all you do." I looked at him a little confused and replied, "Oh, I'm not in the army." He replied back, "Oh yes you are. Anyone who is a family member of a soldier and especially a wife is most certainly a part of the military." I looked at him getting a little teary eyed and he smiled and said, "Our spouses are the backbone of our military and they are what keeps us going each day and I know how difficult that is. So I once again tell you thank you for all your service and your sacrifices!" I had never felt so honored in my life. I finally felt like I had a purpose besides just making sure my household is fed, clothed, and things are running as smoothly as I can make them.

I don't ask that anyone tells me thank you for I fully knew what I was getting into when Matt first started talking about joining the military. But we all (as a nation) need to remember what these brave men and women are doing for us. We are selfish and constantly thinking of where we need to go next or what all we need to do for the day. If you do nothing else today, just take 5 seconds to simply breathe a heartfelt "thank you".

And a message to everyone who was at the fair last night and walked right past my husband...shame on you. Shame on you for caring more about the food, the rides, or the games. Shame on you (man at the booth) for caring more about your cards getting signed than having the opportunity to thank a soldier standing right in front of you instead of just sending one through the mail. Shame on you people for rushing to and fro in front of him in your comfortable jeans and T-shirts, rushing to get your new girlfriend a stuffed animal so she won't pout. Shame on you all.

I don't care if you ever tell me thank you for the sacrifice I am providing or thank you to my family for what they are going through. If you do feel the need to say it I will sheepishly accept. But you DO need to thank our men and women in uniform.

Now that my rant is done and I'm finished with two extreme fair trips, my whole body feels as if it will fall apart any second so I'm am dictating to myself to do absolutely nothing today. I can't risk having Liza come early just because I wanted to enjoy a state fair. I'm sure that stressing over ignorant people is not helping either, but my opinion had to be said. I can't sit back and watch that any longer without speaking my mind.

The Truth About Lying

I'm sure everyone is getting sick and tired of me talking about lying non-stop and hardships of my life, blah blah right? Well, not to be rude but that is the point of having my own blog and own Facebook site. Everyone else can write anything that bothers them so why can't I? The lying subject keeps coming up in my words because it keeps happening. I'm starting to realize that some people just aren't getting the hints that I'm putting out there. They just always assume I'm talking about someone else. So let's begin shall we?

What IS the truth about lying? There are many but let's start with this oldie but a goodie: Someone always knows. Want an example?

Years ago I had a male friend whose name we will not say here (this is for privacy reasons and none other even though I have no contact with this guy anymore...it's called respect). He had a very sweet, loving, innocent girlfriend who loved him more than the stars. Seeing them together you would think nothing was wrong and that their relationship was fine. They were usually together, had several things in common, and seemed to mesh well but appearances can be deceiving. The truth was, this guy was going out of town for work once to twice a month and while gone he was visiting strip clubs, bars, and "hooking up" with different women. I played dumb for quite some time to him pretending that I didn't know the truth and would politely "accept" the excuses he would come up with in front of his girlfriend all the while being able to look in his eyes and actually see that he was lying. No, there wasn't a twitch or quiver in his voice that gave it away...it was his soul.

"You can't look into someone's soul!" you may say...or, "That's impossible! You're crazy!" Well, maybe I am a little crazy but I can promise you it's not impossible. Want the proof?

After about a year of "knowing" that guy was lying he finally fessed up one night while drunk at a party at my house. I was one of two females there and the other girl was busy being a slut in my bathroom (I'm not kidding about that part) so there I was stuck to once again listening to "guy talk" about "babes" and their latests conquests. One of his friends let it slip that the last time they were out of town that they went to a strip club, spent tons of money, ignored their girlfriend's phone calls, and even managed to score a couple of "hot ass chicks" that they later took back to their hotel room and had sex with (I'll leave the gross details out here). So what could be worse than them obviously cheating on their girlfriend's? The fact that they didn't care. They were planning another trip already. They actually were proud that they pulled it off without the girls finding out.

Once he sobered up a bit, he asked if he could talk to me outside. I simply just nodded and followed him out. The conversation was as follows:

"You knew the whole time didn't you?" Steve said (we'll just call him that to make the dialog easier)

I nodded in response.

"Are you going to tell my girlfriend?" he asked.

I replied, "It's not my job to. It's yours."

"I can't tell her the truth. She'd leave me over it."

"Well, you should have thought about that when you did it."

After a long pause of him obviously thinking about what I just told him he finally spoke.

"Do you think I'm a bad person?"

"Yes." (the look on his face was obviously shock in my response) "You have the choice to be a good person but you chose wrong. You have all the tools at your feet to clean up your life and be good to those around you, yet you ignore it and keep doing what you're doing. So yes, in my opinion that makes you bad."

A few weeks later I ran into him at a store and he explained to me that he finally got the "guts" to tell his girlfriend what he had been doing while away. He was heartbroken that she left him and said that he was begging her to come back. Idiot. Of course she left. That's what she should have done. Why subject yourself to something as bad as that? Honestly I have no answer for that because every guy I've dated has cheated on me and/or lied. Only one has come clean and told me the truth. What they didn't realize was that I have this "gift" if you want to call it that and knew the whole time.

Which brings me to this: If you KNOW I can do this and you KNOW that I KNOW the truth...why lie? In the same respect, why do I continue to let those people stay around me? I'm sure you have many reasons for why you lie but for me...I stay because I know the truth will come out.

So what's the downfall of having this ability? Not being able to provide proof. Think about a friend saying this to you: "I know my husband is cheating on me." You say, "That's horrible! How do you know?" You reply, "I just do." Hmm...doesn't sound real convincing does it? To me, it doesn't matter that I don't have concrete pictures to prove you were doing what you were actually doing...it's the fact that I know. And that's just it...I always know.

I'm sure you are wondering why I don't just speak up and say something but I have. I've tried many times to pull out the truth and let them know that I know they are lying. There have been many times where the "stories" they tell don't add up and when I bring up those facts...of course more lies are said. It usually ends up in a fight and yelling or someone slamming a door and speeding off yada yada. Somehow it always ends up my fault (lovely, huh?).

Bottom line: God has assured me that the truth will surface. As for me, I have no idea why he shows me these things or these truth's, especially when there is not much I can do with the information at the time. All I can say is that he does. Through dreams, visions, and the gift of looking into your eyes and seeing the truth.

Would you stand in front of an angel and lie to them? You can lie to yourself all you want but you can't lie to God. I don't care if you believe in Him or not. He's still there and listening to what's in your heart. Getting mad at me for knowing what he's seen you do is not going to help any. You are simply trying to kill the messenger.

So for those who continue to lie to me (and yes, I can tell when you're lying on the phone as well...don't think that just because I can't physically see you that I can't know the truth) you will fall soon. I've seen it. All the lies that you have told will come out verbally, statistically, and proof wise. You can tip-toe around me all you want and try to show me that you care, but I know the truth. I can't stress that enough. I don't care how much you "say" you care, when your actions do something completely different. I'll continue to nod along with what you say until God gives me the go ahead, but chances are...I won't have to. You'll stumble...they always do.

Lesson here: Is it really worth it? Is that escapade that you are going on really so enjoyable that you are willing to lose everything in front of your eyes? Are the lies you are telling make you feel better about what you've done or somehow "erase" it?

Last point here: Ladies you aren't safe from what I say. You do it too...I've seen it and heard it.

So in closing: for those of you who are tired of me ranting about cheating and lying, this is my response. I'll stop talking about it when you stop doing it. Bottom line.