I was on my way home from taking my fiancé to his once a month drill for the National Guard when it all hit me. A non-friendly traffic light decided to skip over yellow and go straight to red, which of course my brakes didn't like one bit considering the crying sound they made. I glanced down at my now five months pregnant stomach pushing again the seatbelt and suddenly I felt extremely overwhelmed. Attempting to ignore the feeling swelling up in my throat I proceeded on once the light turned green and headed for the I-20 interstate on ramp. A snoring noise from the back seat made me avert my attention to my mirror adorned with red, white, and blue star necklaces and a car air freshener tree with the American flag pattern. I glanced back in the glass to see my son sleeping with his face pressed against his seat belt, sweat beads glistening on his forehead, and fingers twitching along to whatever he was dreaming about. I couldn't help but feel sorry for the six year old since he had been sick with a nasty head cold for three days already and was far from over it.
Panic struck so quickly over my entire body that it felt hard to breathe. I suddenly didn't feel like I could handle being a mom again. I felt that I barely survived the last pregnancy let alone raising him on my own. I knew in just a few short months that I would have three mouths to cook for, three people to wash clothes and dishes for, three people counting on me to fix boo-boo's, play games, go shopping, dress them, and clean for them. How was one woman supposed to do all of this? I was scared for the baby girl who would have to enter this horrible world. I didn't want her to go through what I had gone through in life and more so I didn't want her to "develop" my certain abilities and physical downfalls. I was exhausted from all of the running around and errands that had come into play over the past several weeks so I figured the panic was coming from just that. I glanced around at my surroundings quickly to try to find a parking lot to pull into just to catch my breath for a minute before making the trek home when suddenly the song "Beautiful Beautiful" by Francesca Battistelli came on my local Christian radio station.
(To listen to the song please visit this link:
http://www.playlist.com/playlist/additem/792443921)
As soon as the music started playing I felt fine so I continued onto the on ramp. I had no idea what the song was, seeing as I'd only caught the tale end of it twice before but as I listened to the words she sang, I just KNEW that was for me! Yes, even good days end in rain as she says but life is beautiful. A calming sense came over me as I realized that all of the strife and pain I was feeling at the moment would go away in time, just like every other time I've felt pain and that the clouds would soon lift.
As I began to feel more calm I still felt the need to cry and let out everything I've been holding in for fear of people laughing, not understanding, or simply not listening.
As tears began flooding out of my eyes I felt once again that I was going to have to pull over. Just as I was about to make the drastic decision to pull over and weep someone seemed to have hit a slow motion button as I looked up through the windshield and saw a hawk. I watched the hawk as he was inches away from my windshield spread his wings and seemingly floated through the air. I could see every detail of every feather. I could see his talons clutched against his belly. But what struck me to most stunning was I could see his eye, staring right into mine. Just as suddenly as he appeared and slowed down time, he sped off and time screeched back up to normal speed. My breath caught in my throat and I couldn't do anything but smile.
(Let me stop here for a minute to give you some background information. Ever since I was a little girl in frilly little pink lace dresses, if I were to get upset I would somehow find a feather on the ground. I always picked them up even though my mom would be screaming at me in the background talking about how unsanitary and nasty bird feathers were, but I didn't care. I acquired quite a collection over the years and when I hit 19 I decided to get feathers tattooed on my upper arms. In my opinion, I wouldn't have to find feathers on the ground anymore...they'd always be there for me to glance down at if I felt sad and alone. That was always my way of knowing that someone was out there watching out for me. Since that time, I have lost my collection of feathers and don't tend to find many on the ground anymore. With that being said....back to the story)
I smiled knowing that the hawk was positioned there for just me to see. He was there to show me that the "feathers" will always be there. Instead of God showing me the molted feathers on the ground, he decided I needed something more...the whole bird! The living, breathing, moving, SEEING bird. The only words I spoke out loud the whole way home was a simple yet well meant, "Thank you God."
I will forever hold on to that sight and feeling of being completely loved, cared for, and watched over, and the song will always be my reminder.
So I ask again...do you have a song? If not, maybe you just aren't listening...
God bless,
Sarah M.
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