I wondered a month or so ago where they went, why I couldn't see them, and if I was finally free of the torment I had experienced since nine but then that idea came to a crashing halt two days ago. The first time the darkish figure was seen was almost non-existent. It darted past the kitchen doorway as I turned around to put up the mayonnaise. I quickly put the thought out of my head and continued with making lunch. The next time, it flashed down the hallway and towards my bedroom. In one day it was spotted over fifteen times and each time it would quickly go out of view once it was noticed or peeked around the corner at me. There's another who doesn't seem to mind being noticed as much and as I type this I can see it's face periodically in between the two doors dividing the front room from the living room which are, at this moment, partly opened. And yet, another is in the kitchen. But the worst of all was two nights ago when I was laying down in the bed about to fall asleep.
I had just laid down in the bed while Matthew was up taking care of Liza. I snuggled up under the covers and shifted the comforter until it covered my head. Even with the warmth coming from my body, the chill in the room was massive and a shiver forced the bumps on my skin to raise. The floor near the door creaked and it moved very slowly to the side of the bed that Matt usually lays on. Sugar and Spice, my two ragdoll cats had jumped off of the bed about five minutes before so I assumed it was them walking around or perhaps Matt getting ready for bed. I ignored the sound and tried my best to drift off to sleep but once I heard breathing coming from some source directly in front of me sleep quickly darted away from me. I waited for what seemed like an eternity for Matt to climb into bed considering the footsteps and breathing could only be explained as him but once several minutes passed and he never did climb in, curiosity got the best of me. Thinking that for some reason he might be standing beside the bed watching the T.V. I pulled the covers off of my head to find absolutely nothing. No Matt, no kitties, not a soul was there and immediately the breathing sound stopped. I must admit...that one took me back.
Now you would think that after witnessing things like this on a weekly basis since the age of nine that I would be used to it and therefore not scared but I still to this day get a little shaken up when something like that happens. A loud voice out of the blue, a touch on my body (or worse...a slap and even a cut), and coming face to face with one right as you open the bathroom door to step out all chill me to the core but then I have to remember why they are here.
For those of you who know me already, then you know what they are...but for those of you who don't then let me clear this up. Demons. There is no way to sugar coat that or make some fantastic analogy about what they are. It's very plain and simple. They can disguise themselves very well and have done so for years but at this point, the disguises don't seem to work on me and therefore they don't seem to try that tactic much.
After much contemplation on why they are suddenly back around I've come to a harsh realization. When I'm "right with God" and on the right path, the one that God wants me to be on...they are visible, yet when I'm off track and doing everything but what I'm supposed to be doing, they seem to just fade away. So why do the demons do this back and forth act? Well, let me ask you this...why would they bother with destroying your life if they already have you in their grasp?
When you are on God's side, demons want you on theirs so they will do anything to tear you apart and make you lose hope. Remember that word, "hope" because it is the first thing to go when someone's life doesn't turn out like they want or when something goes wrong. Once hope is lost, everything else falls shortly after yet for some reason, hope is one of the last things we get back even though it should be the first. I've watched helplessly as so many people around me are losing everything, including their minds. They are slowly sliding down this slope that is leading them to disaster and even though they are trying their best, it just doesn't seem to be enough. Devoted church-goers that truly believe are still feeling like something is terribly wrong in their lives. And as much as I would love to be able to say it's all one specific thing...each person has a different demon clutching on to their shoulder and whispering uncertainties into their ears (see the relation between all of this now?).
Just because you are not "blessed" to be able to see them like I can and like so many others can, that does NOT mean that they are not there! I've actually heard from some people that they wish they could see them like I can but I always look at them like they are crazy. Even though I would not change a thing in my life, I do admit that this feels like a heavy burden after a while and sometimes it's better not to see what they look like or to know they are there breathing down your neck and just waiting for you to make that one little mistake.
But I say once again...these demons work much harder when you are doing something RIGHT. Did you read that?? WHEN YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT. Of COURSE your LIFE will be easier if you stay on the devil's side of the track. Why do you think so many "bad" people get off easy when they do something wrong or worse, never get caught? The devil already has them...he has no desire to work to get them at that point. It's the good ones he wants. He NEEDS them on his side and does everything he can to make them believe that God is not real or worse...does not care. Not true my friends. Satan takes on many faces, forms, and lies right to your face.
So how do you stay away from all of these lies? Pray. It's very simple. Stay away from temptation (not saying that anyone is perfect and yes, God COMPLETELY knows and understands that). But we MUST try our best every day to be the best person that we can be not only to ourselves but to others. Selfless acts of kindness.
Back to the matter at hand. I welcome them "haunting" me and doing their best to devour me because at that moment I know that I'm doing something right. So I say to you, the next time you are scared and feeling like something is staring you right in the face or following you, ready to dart out and scare the living heckles out of you...just smile and know that you are on the right path.
And please never never forget...even though you may not be able to see/hear/feel demons like me, that does NOT mean they are not there. Just pray and smile. Keep that hope alive in your life and don't hesitate to talk to those around you about what's going on. You just might be surprised at who turns out to have your back when everything falls apart.
I love you all, and God bless.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
New Year's Change
Every time I attempt to start writing this particular blog, a few sentences into it I hit a block and can't seem to write anymore. Is it because my mind wanders somewhere else or it could be that it is not the message I need to broadcast today? So many issues ran through my head that I wanted to write about that have happened to me personally (drugs, jail, rape, attempted suicide, cheating, abusive relationships, failed marriage, children, sex, porn, and demons just to name a few) but as I look at that long incomplete list I see nothing good in those words. If I see nothing good then how would anyone reading this? Does it matter that I learned something really important from having to go through each of those instances? After my six year old son very rudely made a comment in front of my best friend the other day pretty much saying he didn't care that I busted my butt to clean the house, I watched as he quietly carried out his punishment of sweeping the front porch. After he thought he was finished and that he had done a good job, I had him sit down and watch as I showed him the "right" way to sweep and he saw how much he missed. I proceeded to explain that when we don't think about what we are doing or what we are saying at the time could really effect someone even if you apologize.
I stopped sweeping, glanced over my shoulder at my son swinging his legs back and forth dangling from the chair and intently watching what I was doing. I sighed, leaned back against the railing, and said, "If someone slapped you in the face and then turned around and said they were sorry...would it still hurt?"
His reply was a very loud, "Yeah!"
"Why would it still hurt?" I asked.
"Because they slapped me!"
I had to giggle a little before I explained, "Just because you say you are sorry after you do something bad or say something mean doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt that other person."
My eyebrow raised as I watched his expression to see if he was really listening to what I was saying.
"Oh! I get it!" he announced.
We continued the speech and I gave a few more examples and ultimately brought up how life used to be when his father and I were still together. For the first time we talked about what exactly happened (even though a few really disturbing details were left out mainly because I didn't feel a six year old could handle hearing it) and we started to heal from the process.
It seemed that when we talked about it, it made it easier for me to deal with. For me, personally, I'd rather just forget it ever happened and not tell a soul what really went on behind closed doors (and that's for any situation...not just my failed marriage). I'm seeing now that it is not always the best way to handle things. Even though I'm not ready to shout out to the world through a megaphone what all I have experienced, been through, and seen I do know that these baby steps are doing a world of good not only for me, but for others who just might be going through what I went through right now. God allowed these things to happen to me so I could not only be a stronger individual but also so I could help others realize they are not alone in their journey much like I thought I was.
I used to go with the motto of if you were forgiven for what you had done that you could forget about it and move on but I'm finding that is not true for the project I am working on right now (I'd rather remain silent about that one). In due time everything will be revealed and people will know the truth. Whether they choose to believe it or not is up to them.
God wants us to plant the seed of truth among our friends and family but it is NOT up to us to make the seed grow. Only He can do that. So once again I say to you: If I told you it was all true, would you believe me?
Your faith can continue to grow every day and you can learn new things and ways of handling tough situations but ONLY if you LET IT! What good is continuing to stick your hand in the tiger's cage if you never learn that it's painful and to quit doing it?
As for me, my cuts from my past and a present issues are deep and they are slowly healing but as with any gash, it will not be done over night. I've seen who will stick around during those times and who won't and the biggest lesson of the day for me was to stop getting angry at those individuals who are OBVIOUSLY lost in this world and instead, pray for them. Even though the sight of someone can make your stomach churn because you can tell exactly who that person is by glancing in their eyes you need to bless them. Only then can both of your lives begin to change and grow. Only then can God help you both and hey, you never know, you maybe just be lucky enough to see their transformation. Don't cut yourself short.
Don't confuse blessing someone and being nice to them with putting yourself in harm's way. If you know a plane is going to crash and burn...why would you willingly put yourself on that plane? Same for people. If you KNOW something they are doing is wrong, immoral, or not something that looks right...why would you associate yourself with them? In that instance, anything that happens to you is just as much your fault as it is theirs.
Be wise in this world...not blind and dumb.
I love you all and please in this upcoming year...be careful. More and more is going to try to come at you and knock you off your feet. DON'T LET IT. Stand strong and in the Lord and nothing can touch you. God bless you all. Love you.
-Sarah
I stopped sweeping, glanced over my shoulder at my son swinging his legs back and forth dangling from the chair and intently watching what I was doing. I sighed, leaned back against the railing, and said, "If someone slapped you in the face and then turned around and said they were sorry...would it still hurt?"
His reply was a very loud, "Yeah!"
"Why would it still hurt?" I asked.
"Because they slapped me!"
I had to giggle a little before I explained, "Just because you say you are sorry after you do something bad or say something mean doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt that other person."
My eyebrow raised as I watched his expression to see if he was really listening to what I was saying.
"Oh! I get it!" he announced.
We continued the speech and I gave a few more examples and ultimately brought up how life used to be when his father and I were still together. For the first time we talked about what exactly happened (even though a few really disturbing details were left out mainly because I didn't feel a six year old could handle hearing it) and we started to heal from the process.
It seemed that when we talked about it, it made it easier for me to deal with. For me, personally, I'd rather just forget it ever happened and not tell a soul what really went on behind closed doors (and that's for any situation...not just my failed marriage). I'm seeing now that it is not always the best way to handle things. Even though I'm not ready to shout out to the world through a megaphone what all I have experienced, been through, and seen I do know that these baby steps are doing a world of good not only for me, but for others who just might be going through what I went through right now. God allowed these things to happen to me so I could not only be a stronger individual but also so I could help others realize they are not alone in their journey much like I thought I was.
I used to go with the motto of if you were forgiven for what you had done that you could forget about it and move on but I'm finding that is not true for the project I am working on right now (I'd rather remain silent about that one). In due time everything will be revealed and people will know the truth. Whether they choose to believe it or not is up to them.
God wants us to plant the seed of truth among our friends and family but it is NOT up to us to make the seed grow. Only He can do that. So once again I say to you: If I told you it was all true, would you believe me?
Your faith can continue to grow every day and you can learn new things and ways of handling tough situations but ONLY if you LET IT! What good is continuing to stick your hand in the tiger's cage if you never learn that it's painful and to quit doing it?
As for me, my cuts from my past and a present issues are deep and they are slowly healing but as with any gash, it will not be done over night. I've seen who will stick around during those times and who won't and the biggest lesson of the day for me was to stop getting angry at those individuals who are OBVIOUSLY lost in this world and instead, pray for them. Even though the sight of someone can make your stomach churn because you can tell exactly who that person is by glancing in their eyes you need to bless them. Only then can both of your lives begin to change and grow. Only then can God help you both and hey, you never know, you maybe just be lucky enough to see their transformation. Don't cut yourself short.
Don't confuse blessing someone and being nice to them with putting yourself in harm's way. If you know a plane is going to crash and burn...why would you willingly put yourself on that plane? Same for people. If you KNOW something they are doing is wrong, immoral, or not something that looks right...why would you associate yourself with them? In that instance, anything that happens to you is just as much your fault as it is theirs.
Be wise in this world...not blind and dumb.
I love you all and please in this upcoming year...be careful. More and more is going to try to come at you and knock you off your feet. DON'T LET IT. Stand strong and in the Lord and nothing can touch you. God bless you all. Love you.
-Sarah
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