Dreams

I was asked last night to write another blog because she loves to read them. I was blown back by that comment and utterly surprised that anyone pays enough attention to me to actually not only read something I post but look forward to it. I thought about it all night, trying to figure out what to write about. There are TONS of things I could find to discuss and put my two cents in but nothing really jumped out enough to be something I'd want to take the time to sit and put into words but then it hit me. As I drove my husband to work this morning I started to think about him and how he's pursuing a dream that he's had for a very long time. He has an audition with a band tomorrow (which I'm thrilled to be able to take part in and watch) and as much stress as this will put on our family I'm fully supporting him on this. I've never been one to squash dreams so why should I start now? Sure, that will mean more alone time, more responsibility put on me to take care of the children alone, and more trust when he does a show without me being there. I've been around the block a few times when it comes to rock bands and I know how groupie's work and who they mainly go after...the frontman. Most women/girls don't go to rock shows for the reasons I go. They don't actually care about the music and only care about the alcohol and "cute boys" that they can play with. Hell, if the lead singer of a band wants to hang out with you, that must mean you've got it goin' on right? Hmm...wrong. I go for the sheer delight in the music. The rumble in my chest. The flashing lights. The sweat rolling off of each individual on stage working their hardest to give the show of their lives. I love watching the drumsticks flash in front of your face like they are pieces of spaghetti, the bassist and guitarists fingers working up and down the frets like it's no work at all and the singer belting out notes that give you goosebumps. But I realize that I'm one of the few who are that interested in what they are doing.

In the middle of all of this thinking about how fantastic it is that he is pursuing this endeavor, I quickly realized that all of my dreams and aspirations have fizzled. Let's see if I can remember the list of things I wanted to be/do:
- A veterinarian (got halfway with that one by becoming a vet technician but am not technically one now)
- A trapeze artist
- A barrel racer (has to do with horses and rodeo's)
- An ice skater
- A gymnast
- A ballerina
- A tiger trainer (never even gotten close to one of these beautiful animals) :(
- An artist
- A songwriter (ok...so I've technically written a few songs but they are stuck up in a folder somewhere doing absolutely nothing so that doesn't really count)
- An interior designer
- and the biggest one of all: A lead singer in a band


I have done nothing. I don't have anything to show for my lifetime of hardships, downfalls, and failures. I don't have any awards. I don't have any trophies or ribbons. I don't have any pictures of fantastic events. I don't have crowds shouting my name or even more than a handful of people who even really know me or know of me. I don't even have any visible scars to go along with my stories. The only thing I have to show for any pain I've gone through is my two beautiful children. My live revolves around my family and that's that. But I can not claim that as some fantastic feat that no one else can do. Millions of women have babies and thousands have rough pregnancies just like I did. There's nothing special in that. The only thing I have to succeed in is my novel and I don't even claim that as my dream. That's God's vision, his project, his work, and his outcome. I'm just the tool being used to create it. I still have no idea why I'm being used for something that is supposed to be as huge and great as this but I gladly take it. Even so, I haven't worked on it since I got pregnant with Liza. I find excuse after excuse not to work on it. All of the ideas are there and the story is already set into place...it's just typing it all out and finding the time to complete it.

So as far as dreams, I haven't completed a single one. If an angel came to me and said, "God is granting you one dream that you will be able to succeed in...pick one." I wouldn't be able to. I'm not good at any of those things and even though I'm not the WORST singer in the world, the stage fright in itself is paralyzing and would hinder any ability that I have. So, I choose instead to sit on the sideline and play the mommy role while I watch others around me follow their dreams and push through the pain. So, the next time you come up with a new dream or aspiration that you'd like to achieve, think of those who are standing behind or beside you, pushing you along, and rooting you on. Those are the one's who will still be there if you fail at your task. They won't really care if you "make it" or not. They were just happy to be along for the ride.

As for me, that's exactly how I feel. I love watching Josh Rowe go onstage and sing his heart out, I love watching Jessa Motte line her camera settings just right to get that one good photograph that will stop you in your tracks, I love watching (and tasting!) Anna Godley's fantastic food creations and attending her parties that she puts so much love and effort into, and I love watching my husband sit and ponder the next big feat he will take on. If it's singing then I'll cheer him on. If it's his pirate theme park (only a few people will understand this one) then, I'll help come up with plans. If it's the bar, then I'll help set up flyers and website's. Bottom line, I will follow and do what I can to help others succeed, probably because I know I will never go after any dreams of my own. But with that being said...that doesn't mean I don't have them and don't think about them every day.

I promise to encourage my kids to follow their dreams and their hearts. "Don't be like me," is something they will hear a good bit and learn to hate :) But at least I know somewhere down the line they will be happy that they didn't turn out like mom did and have a fulfilling life and smile in the delight that their mother was along for the entire journey. And that...is my biggest dream...just to be able to smile and say that I was along for the ride that other's went on. Just to know that I was loved enough to be included in what they were doing is enough for me.

To everyone out there right now doing what they love and striving for what they dream...I applaud you and if you need anything, you know who you can turn to for support.

Love you all

Relaxation is KEY

See this girl?

Yep, that's me. Or I suppose I should say, was. A woman feeling much like a child, at the end of her marriage, hiding behind fake laughs and bright hair just hoping no one would see the true pain in her eyes. It was a horrible time filled with many questions and doubts. But something amazing happened...I began to climb the ladder back up. The pain staking process of trying to start back over and somehow find happiness in a world that was falling apart was anything but easy but somehow, with the grace of God, I managed to make it where I am today.

For the first time in two months, I am able to sit back and enjoy the night without having to worry about what time the baby is going to wake me up for her nightly feedings. I don't have to keep the music down to a certain level (or the T.V. for that matter), and I'm able to just...breathe. I LOVE my daughter but as any mother knows, breaks are greatly appreciated. So to be able to finally relax; Let's just say it feels amazing. But it is giving me time to think back on how it was after Alex was born. It was one of the most stressful times in my life but still one of the most joyous and I thank God everyday for everything I've ever gone through. Still to see that picture of me with the bright red hair hurts. I realize there is still so much that I simply have tried to push to the side and haven't brought up or completely gotten over what happened. And that my friends is a problem. In due time, everything that went on during my marriage will be resolved but it will never be forgotten. It's important to look back and see what you've gone through in order to grow and mature. And I do believe, weekends like this where you get to spend time with family and friends and RELAX is just the thing everyone needs to get past whatever it is that they are facing.

So I'm DEMANDING that you take it easy this weekend :) Just tell 'em I said so!

Love you all