This past week has been absolutely dreadful. Full of screaming kids, fights, threats, anger, doubt, depression, hopeless feelings, a printer that I almost busted into a million pieces after fighting with it for two days, a few giggles and laughs, and more tears than I can count. I don't know what chain of events has led to this horrible state but I'm to the point where I'm wishing health insurance was available at the moment just so I could go get something...anything to take the mental pain and edge off. I'm more tired and cranky than ever. I'm finding it hard to smile and fake my irritation with people who are overly aggressive with their thoughts or actions and instead of just letting it go, I'm firing back with my honest opinion. If you know me at all, you know I USUALLY just agree to disagree and find it petty to argue with someone over something silly or stupid but I'm finding my voice a little stronger and more apt to just tell it like it is. This could end badly and could hurt some feelings but here's where I get honest in this blog: isn't it about time I quit trying to please everyone else and work on myself instead? I get so busy and wrapped up trying to help everyone else that I neglect myself. I do this literally all the time. Yet, when I do stand up and finally say I need someone to listen to me, I get called selfish. Hmmm...doesn't seem quite accurate does it? I got to the point where the person I chose to spill everything to was my mother yesterday. I laughed a little, cried a little, and even raised my voice at one point all while the sighed gently periodically and pretty much kept quiet just listening to me rant. If you know my mom, you know she's not the most understanding of people and it set in her ways and beliefs therefore she's not the easiest person to talk to about hard confusing issues but I found her to be overly quiet this time. I don't know if it's because she didn't know what to say, was afraid to say anything, or knew I just needed to get it all out. I got one response from her at the end of the conversation: "I can't say I understand because I've never gone through any of this but, I don't know how you're dealing with it. I don't know how you're surviving with this much on your plate." and all I could say was, "I don't know either." Between money problems, job problems (or lack there of), children, household chores that seem to multiply like rabbits when I turn my cheek, taking care of 3 dogs, two cats (and now two more b/c I took back Meghan and a kitten who's pretty much blind b/c I couldn't think of them going to the pound...hell, I'm running an animal shelter pretty much), cars turning to crap, ex family issues, Liza's first birthday coming up, Christmas, Matt's B-day, many health issues, and other deeply personal issues I can't discuss (literally) it's a wonder I get up in the morning. I'm guessing God must really need me if I'm still here at this point in my life. The interesting thing is, I've dealt with most of this all before. I've dealt with daily issues, family issues, marriage issues, child issues, money issues. I've been through "worse" than this in my past. I've witnessed death, I've been depressed since I was 14, I've lost friends, I've been used, I've seen ghosts, I've seen "spirits", I've seen demons, I've seen angels, I've even seen demons disguising themselves as humans, I've even seen and talked with my own personal guardian angel (think I'm kidding?), I've been neglected, I've been back handed, I've done drugs, I've been to jail (bet a lot of you didn't know that), I've been pregnant while living alone in an upstairs apartment on my own, I've been laughed at, I've been bullied and teased, I've been raped once to twice a week for approximately 8 months (I quit counting after the third month), I've been brain washed, I've been scared, and I've cried millions of times. (I know...that's a lot to take in for those of you who had no idea most of that happened) So why does it affect me so much now? Why did my knees literally collapse the other night in the middle of me weeping alone in my room while keeping my hands over my mouth to try to stifle the cries? I've never in my life collapsed to the floor while crying. I've never had my chest hurt as if someone was ripping out my lungs because I couldn't breathe from the tears falling faster than I could take. I've never had a problem looking in the mirror and sucking it up. I was taught to wipe them away, fix my hair and makeup, and walk out of that room like I simply had to hang up some clothes but this night, I couldn't. Every time I looked in the mirror to try to suck it up, another memory would flood my vision and it would start all over again. I wanted to scream - needed to scream but all I could produce for fear of being heard was a long silent scream. Pain and agony shot completely through my body. It was uncontrollable. So why? Why now after everything I've survived and been through am I finding it hard to cope with what's being handed to me? I figured it out today...because for once in my entire life, my heart...my WHOLE heart is involved. I've always been distant. I've always stayed a few paces away so I could run when I needed to. I've lied and said I cared and loved but I didn't, I only half'd it. But not now. It's all or nothing at this point. I don't know why at this point in my life every agony from my past is showing its ugly head and giving me no choice but to deal with it but I do know that's just it...I have no choice. I also know that other's don't understand. Heck, at this point I don't expect them to. But I do know that when God called me to write this book I giggled and said reluctantly okay but now I see that after years and years of hiding myself, hiding my pain, hiding my life, and only getting as close to people as much as they needed me to be that now I'm ready. I'm ready to break down the walls I painstakingly put up brick by brick. I'm ready to tell the truth about what's happened. I'm ready for people to understand ME and why I act the way I do. But more so, I'm ready to tell this story to the person who's just like me and to be able to say to them, you can get through it too. Because I know that MOST people will not go through every thing I've gone through much less at the same time but I know MOST people will go through at least one of those things and that's the people who need this. So I'm "saying" it out loud. This book is NOT for me. This book is NOT for fame. This book is NOT for me to get rich (even though that would be quite lovely lol). I don't care if I don't make a dime from it...it NEEDS to be told. After all, we all know, when God says jump...my dears you need to jump! Don't laugh and walk away like I did in the past or you may just find yourself writing a blog much similar to this one day in your future. As for me and my present life...I don't know how I'm going to fix it or what's going to happen tomorrow but I do know I will still get up and do my chores, take care of my kids, feed and clean up after all 7 of my annoying pets, pay bills that I don't have money to pay for, cook, clean, and smile at least once...even though it may hurt to because just as teens and adults need this book...my kids need me and I will NOT let them down.